"Holding on to what we got, because what we got is who we are, and who we are is everything"

Sharing a heavy dose of character today! (And yes I am aware that I am, oh you know, six days behind. It’s been pointed out to me by multiple people. Multiple times. I’m playing catch up! )

“Meaningful things happen when you give someone your undivided, undistracted, attention. Because that’s what everyone is really looking for: to be validated, appreciated, heard. To be raised up by their interactions and not put down. I know for sure: when we connect to what’s alive in another person, the feeling is mutual. And we both get a lift.”

This is my favorite quote. I cannot fathom something more accurate and true than these words. Naturally, they are my own. Naturally, they belong to the most powerful woman in the world, Oprah.

I had pulled this from one of her magazines, because at the time I was dealing with a person who stopped giving me her attention, even after years of friendship. I grappled for the perfect words to explain that her neglect was not just rude or mean, but was making me feel insignificant. When you withhold your attention from someone, or don’t provide enough positive attention, you are capable of igniting insecurity in the other person about your shared relationship.

Too often we assume another person is aware of how much they mean to us. I think a lot of the time we refrain from stating the obvious, from simply saying “thank you,” and “I appreciate you,” to those who need to hear it the most.

On her final show, Oprah had a segment related directly to this quote. She talked about how everyone is looking for the same thing. Every single person that had been on her show was searching for validation. Above appreciation, we all need to be validated in our relationships. We need to know that we matter and that the judgments we perceive are nothing more than imagined fallacies.

Oprah explained that if there was one thing she learned her whole life, this was it. And after the trying (and fabulous) relationships I’ve had, I’ve got to agree with O. Everyone just wants to know that they genuinely matter. That they are valued. And when you ignore someone, you chip away at that foundation of validation.

The truest way to that validation and appreciation is the simple act of paying attention. I was already insecure in a relationship, and I can assure you that walking into a room and not having that person pull their eyes off their computer screen to greet me stung. Not just because it was rude, or because that person was busy, but because that simple lack of attention made me feel insignificant in a relationship where I already perceived myself to not be good enough.

Tables turned when I thought I was stating the obvious to a good friend. The time-honored girl truth: that friends matter more than a guy. I felt ridiculous even having to say out loud, “Well you know you always matter more than any guy, right?!” Her look of genuine, but happy surprise and gracious “Oooooh really!? Thank you!” floored me. I never thought something so obvious needed an explicit statement. And honestly, for a while I thought it was odd that her response wasn’t “Oh, of course I know that!” Until I realized, that she didn’t know it. Somehow I had not relayed to her my validation of our friendship. And it wasn’t through a negative action, or anything that would refute my statement, but my lack of directly acknowledging her value.

Of course, both of these examples are also a reflection of the relationships themselves that are both far from perfect (as if there is such a thing), but I think we take for granted the power of attention. The simple act of granting another our undivided attention relays validation, which I’ve come to find, is the true definition of a friendship.

You cannot validate someone’s presence in your life if you place him on the back burner constantly, or flake out on her. Assuring them that you are hearing them will convey your appreciation for them, and your ignorance will no doubt spark a sense of insecurity. Be careful which you choose, but O is right, when you both connect to one another you both walk away feeling confident in your relationship and yourselves.

“I’ve talked to 30,000 people on this show and they all wanted validation. Everybody wants to know, ‘Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything?”

-Oprah

Well Oprah, I hear you loud and clear, and I couldn’t possibly agree more.