"But I could never follow, no I could never follow. If you ever want to find me I can still be found, taking the long way around, taking the long way"

"My friends from high school married their high school boyfriends, moved into houses in the same ZIP codes where their parents live. But I could never follow No I, I could never follow. I hit the highway in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling. Lived like a gypsy, six strong hands on the steering wheel. I've been a long time gone now, maybe someday, someday, I'm gonna settle down. But I've always found my way somehow, by taking the long way, taking the way around, taking the long way, taking the way around. I met the queen of whatever. Drank with Irish and smoked with the hippies, moved with the shakers. Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to. No I, I could never follow, No i could never follow. It's been two long years since the tope of the world came crashing dow and I'm gettin' it back on the road now. But I'm taking the way way, taking the long way around, I'm taking the long way, taking the long way around. Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself, I opened my mouth and I heard myself. It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself, guess I could have made it easier on myself. But I , I could never follow. No I, I could never follow. Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else, maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down. If you ever want to find me I can still be found, taking the long way, taking the long way around, taking the long way, taking the long way around."

- The Dixie Chicks, "Long Way Around."

I’ve been having a lot of difficulty writing lately, which is quite odd considering the cascade of emotions and feelings I’ve been dealing with. Perhaps that’s why there hasn’t been any updates- because I’m feeling so strange that I can’t seem to get a good grasp on what I’m feeling and its pretty challenging to express to the world how you’re feeling if you yourself can’t manage to figure it all out.

I’m happy to be back at Mizzou. I think I needed to type that sentence as reassurance for myself. Because I really am. I love this campus, I love sitting outside Memorial right now in gorgeous weather and spending my Saturday afternoon writing and people watching. Its just that last year, everything was so new and shiny. It was my freshmen year of college, so regardless of the college itself, I would no doubt be exhilarated by a new environment and freedom. Yes, it was upsetting having to leave the east coast, but Mizzou was such a frenzy of excitement and opportunities that while I missed my roots, I was happy to be enjoying where I was at the moment. Like that toy you so desperately wish and pray for at Christmas and then abandon three weeks after getting it, Mizzou is slowly fading in its novelty.

OK, that’s a bit drastic, since there is still so much for me to do here, but I’m just more aware of all that I gave up in coming here. And I’m still ecstatic about my choice but I wonder why the hell I have to make my life so difficult. Imagine if I were just like most other college students who just loaded up the car with their families for move-in day. No. God forbid I’m not a pain in the ass. And its fine and it all works out, but after being home for the summer I’ve really realized how east-coast I really am and how much better I just fit in there. Not that that is really a surprise or anything, and it isn’t as though I won’t be returning, but something about the start of this year made me question my decisions. Not necessarily my decision to come here but the way I make my decisions and how driven I am by intuition. Which so far has always taken me where I really want to be, but what if I’m just lulling myself into this false belief that I’m always going to be making the right choices based on feelings? But that got me think even further…. Who would I be if my decisions were a result of just my mind? Maybe I knew I needed to come here, not just because of that initial feeling upon seeing the campus and the J-school, but because there is something I’m supposed to gain from here that I just haven’t discovered yet. Isn’t this just the way that I am? Not that I purposely making decisions that complicate things (In fact its quite the opposite) but I’ve always followed my own path and have always had this reassuring feeling that life was working out as it should. So can I keep that feeling alive, can it trump these fleeting moments of doubt? Because I really don’t doubt my decision in the least bit, I’m just curious as to how I can be so steadfast and sure in making these decisions. How can I be so secure in taking the long way ‘round?

Yes, I’m a strong individual, but honestly when I first heard this song years ago I felt shame. I was not the girl the Chicks were singing about. I play by the rules (well usually), I think before I act and I like to have a plan. Jumping into a pink RV and riding around is not my thing. But I guess maybe just following your own heart is you taking your long way around. It isn’t that I’m some crazy, hippie, life-is-good chick, but that I break the status quo because I really make my own choices. It isn’t that I could never follow the “live-in-the-same-town-all-my-life” mold, its that I could never follow. I could choose to live the ordinary life, and that would be just fine, I could have chosen to stay in Jersey for college, but I felt like that wouldn’t have been much of a choice, that it would have just been me following a mold. And I don’t follow.

Even sitting here now I’m not really sure why the hell I’m in Missouri, how did I wind up here? What is even going on?? BAH! But it’s just me taking my long way round. Not just physically either, its me living out my choices and even if they’re bizarre ones or seem to detour me, aren’t they still valuable? After all, as much as I like to have a plan, I could never plan out what I really want to get out of life. Because those experiences and lessons cannot be predicted and planned out. I just have to live and see where it all takes me, which is absolutely fucking frightening, but also sort-of the point, no?

So as I wonder about my choices, I have to realize that the sheer fact that I have choices to wonder about is all that matters. I could never follow.

Fa La La

because life's greatest lessons are only written small

in the margins...

I apologize from the very bottom of my heart for my lack of posts. Funny thing about Sorority recruitment it depletes you of all your energy due until you're so mentally and physcially exhausted you can hardly stand up let alone sum up enough concentration and creativity to write a post. This past week has been hectic and tiring to say the least, but it's what I signed up for when I joined Phi Mu and I know all the hard work will pay off when we score an awesome pledge class. I actually have a lot to share about what this past week has taught me, what I truly feel about sorority life and how much I've discovered life is all about your attitude. I wish all of my friends and family could understand and comprehend what Rush Week at Mizzou is like, sadly it is completely indescriable and I could never explain it, the only way for them to fully grasp how intense and involved it is would be for them to come to Missouri and witness it for themselves. That, of course, is not happening. And I don't feel like wasting my time attempting to explain it, people will never understand and I guess that's okay, after all it just makes Phi Mu that much more special and sacred. I could tell you that we spend hours each day perfecting our bops and having lollipop practice but I can assume that the majority of people will just be dumbfounded, concerned, or just plain scared

That post will be coming a bit later, I've tried multiple times to write it this week but thats the joy of living in a house with 123 other girls, you easily get distracted and caught up talking and laughing with your sisters until one in the morning instead of just updating your blog. And I'm okay with that. However, in the meantime I thought I would just share a fa la la moment since I really don't want to let my blog lie stagnant for another week.

On the plane ride out here I killed time devouring the latest issue of Vanity Fair. Surprise, surprise. As usual it was fantastic. Surprise, Surprise. And made me want to do magazine journalism instead of PR. Surprise, surprise, since that always happens whenever I read a magazine I adore. I plan on doing a post about the magazine overall because its seriously been one of my favorite issues of all time, but for now I just need to focus. Which is an epic fail seeing as "Fa la la" moments are supposed to be cute and little and SHORT things. This post is already you know, four paragraphs long. Great.

Anyways I was blown away by Lady Gaga feature. I thought the woman was a freak. And she is, and she's proud of it. But up until reading her interview I really just wasn't a fan, I mean I didn't think she was a menance to society or anything as ludicrious as some politicians seem to think, but I just thought she exgaggerated everything beyond need and took the whole "I'm such a deep, artistically insane performer that I'm going to scare people into loving me." And then Vanity Fair once again enlightened me. Lady Gaga is intelligent. She is extremely put together and has this beautiful sense of reality and she knows what matters in life. Reading this article made me want to personally meet her, that's how intriguing it was.

Yes, her sense of style is absolutely crazy but its 110% hers. Everything about her is genuine and authentic down to the last roll of saran wrap covering her face. She isn't trying to impress people, she isn't trying to be so ridiculous for attention. She is who she is, she loves that and she enjoys being crazy. She feeds off being different and while it might be an extreme version of uniqueness I think that desire to be distinct is something we could all strive for a little bit more in our own lives.

She isn't just this whacked out fame whore either. I thought she was a freak. And she is, but she owns that, and that makes her so undeniably intelligent and secure. She sounds like one of the most dedicated, ambitious, loving and professional artists out there. She comes across as competent and confident and she takes her work very, very seriously. And that is rare, not just in the entertainment industry, but for the general population. Needless to say, I am now gaga for GaGa and I'm so happy I was able to get to know the woman behind the stocking mask (literally).

"It's about loving who you are. I don't want people to love me; I want them to love themselves. I have a relentless pursuit in me to give everything to my fans to make them feel good about themselves. And if you don't like it, well, then don't come join the party."

"It’s getting late, It’s time to go, The paper moon is fading slow. But the night keeps moving on and it takes you in and brings you home."

I am dumbfounded that I’m returning to Mizzou tomorrow (or today since its quite early in the morning). Extremely excited and ready, but still sort of in shock that by tomorrow afternoon I will be in the Midwest, not to return home for almost four months. How can I be curled up in my enormous bed in my big, beautiful bedroom one night and then the next be sharing one of 125 rooms in a huge sorority house on a college campus in Missouri?

It isn’t the change that bothers me. I enjoy change, I find the desperate urge to spice things up every once and awhile, it keeps everything interesting. And I’m ecstatic to be going back to Mizzou and having a huge change of pace and environment. The issue I’ve discovered is not that I dislike change, but that I despise transitions. Change, overall is just fine and peachy; it’s that specific moment of undergoing the change that insights a melancholy within me.

Yes, I want to go back to school, but as I was doing laundry in my basement while watching TV and eating a flavor ice I was suddenly so sad about having to leave my home. I LIKE being able to do my laundry and leave it in piles all over my basement floor. I like that I’m in my house and I can just go about my business without having to worry about a roommate. I was upset about having to leave the comforts of home. Yet once I get out there I know I won’t even realize what I’m missing. And the same holds true on the other hand; the day before I’m coming home from school I get a little sad that I’m leaving my routine and independent living to come home to a noisy household, I dread not being able to come and go as I please without explaining myself. It’s that moment of actual transition that really irks me because once I’m back in point A or B, I don’t want to be anywhere but where I am.

It’s true for something not quite so drastic as moving between home and college, night and day for instant. I always got kind of depressed around 5pm. I would be finishing up homework, could hear my mom making dinner in the kitchen and my father would come home from work and I knew the day was essentially over, especially if it was winter because by that time it was pitch black out. I love night time, and once it hit 7, I was happy and fine. Its just the time where one thing is ending but the other has yet to begin that bogs me down. Obviously the same is true for the morning. I hate getting out of bed. Hate it. But once I finally get up, shower and dress, I’m ready for the day that awaits me. But those few, sacred moments where I snuggle between the sheets as I smack the snooze button really just suck.

You can probably infer that I’m in that state of transition as I write this. It’s the night before I leave, everything is packed and all the loose ends tied up. Yet I’m not there yet. I still have to get up, deal with the nonsense that is the airport, fly and get to school. Once I’m finally there and moving in I’ll be in heaven once again. I just hate the in-between, I hate being in the state of change. I’d rather have undergone change, or be approaching it than actually experiencing it.

I don’t have anything insightful to really add here, it’s as simple as black and white (none of that “in-between gray” shit, obviously I’m not in the mood). I haven’t fully left my Jersey state of mind but I’m still miles away from my fun, college being. I’m moving in between my two lives and while I love each and squeeze as much as I can out of them while I’m there, the short time spent stuck in between the two places me in this awful state of limbo. I’m still holding onto the previous life, sad to be leaving it, and the next one I’ve yet to fully reach. The excitement of one and sadness of the other seem to cancel each other out and I’m left with this hollow sort of feeling. Sigh. It will be gone oh-so-soon once I move into 503 Kentucky Boulevard and begin life in my new home. But until then, I’m undergoing a sort of identity crisis… no longer the jersey girl safe at home and not yet the crazy college (still JERSEY) girl. (What can I say? You can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can’t take the Jersey out of the girl…) The only perk to this transition is that most of it is spent in an airport with an ample supply of Starbucks and magazines.

I’m sure I’ll update tomorrow with a much more Mizzou-inspired blog post, but for now I can grapple for the anticipated excitement and try to ignore the little breaking of my heart, and just say MIZ--- ZOU! RAWR! <3

"So Bye Bye Miss American Pie"

Happy Monday! It is probably the last time I will utter that phrase since it is my last Monday of summer. Once I return to Mizzou I highly doubt you could pay me to say something so ludicrous. Although I don't want this blog to be a play-by-play of my life I do feel as though I should throw a bit of my adventures on here, just so you all don't think I sit around all day and do nothing. I'm going to post photos from "Cousins Weekend 2010" where all of us Pisauro (And Perruso and DeSantis) cousins spent the weekend together up at our farmhouse in Pennsylvannia. This is only a small handful of pictures of my beautiful family and there are some "activities" that will not be published on this page, since you know I do want to be employed someday. You can make inferences as to what a group of mainly 17-23 year olds did on a weekend night. We're quite the attractive family, if I do say so myself!

Fa La La

"Play with life, laugh with life, dance with life, and smile at the riddles of life, knowing that life's only true lessons are written small in the margins."

-Johnathan Lockwood Huie

Lately, for whatever reason unbeknownst to me, I've been saying "FA LA LA" randomly. I really do believe that I'm "fa la la ing" through life, but a Fa La La is not only a verb, it is very much a noun. A thing (anything for that matter) that is unique and makes me smile. It usually isn't much of anything, but it has the power to shed some light on what is usually a chaotic and noisy day. A good quote, an awesome picture, some little trinket that caught my attention; the definition of a Fa La La is undefined. I've decided that once a week I'll do a Fa La La post! Just a random little post to brighten the day with something small and sweet. After all if you learn to apprecaite small moments and simple pleasures, you will always be happy; there are so many of them. So here is my first "Fa La La" post, enjoy! It is a picture of Drew Barrymore from the recent issue of Elle magazine. Her quote sums up her mindset really well and I think the photo is gorgeous.

Literally Love

Hello! It is with great pleasure that I present my first post published consecutively within two days. With much regret and resentment I teared myself away from SHARK WEEK (which is as supremely fascinating as it is highly addictive) just to update you beautiful non-existent readers. And if you do exist, why the heck are you wasting your time reading this, go watch a shark rip something to shreds!

On a much more glamorous note than sharks, I finally scanned in the photos of Elizabeth Taylor from the July issue of Vanity Fair. The article offered a first-time revelation of the love letters Richard Burton penned to his beloved. Full of undying love and enamor for Liz, Burton and his letters illustrated his utter bewitchment of the deliciously magnificent and grandeur movie star. Though I devoured the entire article and loved being able to sneak a peek into their tumultuous, scandalous life together, I couldn't contain my excitement at the wonderful collection of photographs that ran with it. I decided to share them all with you, along with snid-bits of the article and letters. Hopefully you enjoy as much as I did!

I love fashion magazines, but my heart belongs to Vanity Fair, where the articles focus on interesting, intelligent and relevant topics that are, for the most part, extremely well-written. Their celebrity profiles trump that of any another publication and the elegant photographs combined with the ingenuity of a simple layout make it a pleasing visual fantasy as well as a pleasure to read. (Plus I'm such a sucker for the Proust questionnaires). Beauty and Brains, imagine that.

For whatever reason I do not subscribe to said fantastic magazine. I baffle myself sometimes. So when I spotted the masthead of the mag complete with a youthful and gorgeous Elizabeth Taylor on the cover my reaction was akin to a shark on a seal. In an instant my hands grasped that magazine off the rack with stealth before it was swiftly tossed into the shopping cart before my mother knew what had just happened.

Anyone who knows me understands that I idolize Audrey Hepburn, but in fact, I idolize all of the great Hollywood icons/divas of the past. There is an air of sophistication and grace about them, this aurora of effortless perfection that preceded the days of convenient and popular plastic surgery. They were all such beautiful, self-assured, self-defined, strong women. The actresses of today pale in comparison. Elizabeth Taylor defined what it meant to be a diva (sorry Beyonce!) and she lived it through her disgustingly lavish and fascinating lifestyle. She is the epitome of a movie star radiating glamour and glitz.

The first time I was introduced to this legend was some random, summer night up at my grandparents country house in upstate New York. I couldn't have been more than 9 or 10 and the house didn't have cable, thus we spent our nights with VHS. National Velvet instantly became one of my favorite movies, probably because of the story-line about a young girl getting her own horse (Pie!), training and taming its wild demeanor and racing it herself disguised as a male. ( Because, you know, god forbid a girl be a jockey. Thanks sexism). Elizabeth Taylor was just a young woman, prior to the extraordinary life that she would lead. I thought she was an adorable girl, beautiful in the most natural of ways with eyes that literally sparkled (Tyra, if you want some "Smiling with the eyes,"you can find it in the young Elizabeth). And as I grew older and discovered her other work, I saw her as a beautiful, shining, powerful, regal woman and these photos capture that quite well.

"No matter what happens, I'm loud, noisy, earthy and ready for much more living."

-Elizabeth Taylor

Love this picture of Elizabeth! Probably one of my favorites, love the green dress and am in awe at how damn tiny her waist is!

Burton first spotted Taylor poolside, and it wouldn't be until years later that he actually met her. Yet she made quite the first impression without ever uttering a word, so much so that Burton wrote about it in his diary. "There was quite a lot of people in and around the pool, all suntanned and all drinking the Sunday morning liveners...I was enjoying this small social triumph, but then a girl sitting on the other side of the pool lowered her book, took off her sunglasses and looked at me. She was so extraordinarily beautiful that I nearly laughed out loud... She was unquestionably gorgeous... She was lavish. She was a dark unyielding largesse. She was, in short, too bloody much, and not only that, she was totally ignoring me."

"Big girls need big diamonds."

"My mother says I didn't open my eyes for eight days after I was born, but when I did, the first thing I saw was an engagement ring. I was hooked."

"I love being surrounded by beautiful things and I love being looked after."

-Elizabeth Taylor

The amount of money these two made and spent literally makes me want to throw up. Their combined film grosses was over $200 million. Yes, $200 million. Between two people. In 1967. Yeah. They drove Rolls Royces, had a 10 passenger jet, owned land in the Canary Islands and Ireland and had three homes in England, plus one in Mexico which was given to them by the Mexican government. Burton spent $305,000 (2 million today) for the Krupp diamond for Elizabeth. He then bought her the Cartier diamond, known now as the "Taylor Burton diamond." 69.42 carats. It cost him $1.1 million back then. God only knows what it costs today. It sits in the Cartier museum where more than 6,000 people visit it daily.

"I wanted that diamond because it is incomparably lovely. And it should be on the loveliest woman in the world."

-Richard Burton

"Richard was magnificent in every sense of the word...and in everything he ever did. He was magnificent on the stage, he was magnificent in film, he was magnificent at making love...He was the kindest, funniest, and most gentle father."

Burton really wanted to be a writer rather than an actor, he claimed his heart had never been in acting. He could have been, he wrote so elegantly and with so much passion.

Doesn't she just seem to glow? She appears so regal and I love the way Burton just stares at her, completely fascinated and amused.

"I worship you. There is no life without you, I'm afraid."

-Richard Burton

Elizabeth would fuss over Burton and was fixing his hair one day on set. He got so fed up with it that he just poured a pitcher of beer over his head.

My darling sleeping child,

I am oddly shy about you. I still regard you as an .... inviolate presence. I have treated women, generally, very badly and used them as an exercise for my contempt except in your case. I have fought like a fool to treat you the same way and failed. One of these days I will wake up--which I think I've done already- and realize to myself that I really do love. I find it very difficult to allow my whole life to rest on the existence of another creature. I find it equally difficult, because of my innate arrogance, to believe in the idea of love. There is no such thing, I say to myself. There is lust, of course, and usage, and jealousy, and desire and spent power, but no such thing as the idiocy of love.

Who invented that concept? I have wracked my shabby brains and I can find no answer. But when people die... those who are taken away from us can never come back. We are such doomed fools. Unfortunately, we know it. So I have decided that for a second or two, the precious potential of you in the next room is the only thing in the world worth living for. After you death there shall only be one other and that will be mine. Or I possibly think, vice versa.

Ravaged love,

And loving Rich

After their announced separation Burton wrote this letter to Elizabeth. Although they would be divorced, Burton and Taylor remained connected for the rest of life, truly being one another's best friends. There was even a remarriage, but it ended within nine months.

So My Lumps,

You're off, by God! I can barely believe it since I am so unaccustomed to anybody leaving me. But reflectively I wonder why nobody did so before. All I care about--honest to God-- is that you're happy and I don't much care who you'll find happiness with... Never forget your strange virtues. Never forget that underneath that veneer of raucous language is a remarkable and puritanical LADY. I am a smashing bore and why you've stuck by me so long is an indication of your loyalty. I shall miss you with passion and wild regret...

Burton had the most curious nicknames for Elizabeth, including 'Twitch,' 'Twit Twaddle,' and 'Scrupelshrumpilstilskin.'

Still separated, Richard wrote to Elizabeth almost immediately after his first letter,

"I love you, lovely woman. If anybody hurts you, just send me a line saying something like "Need" or "Necessary" or just the one magic word "Elizabeth,"and I will be there somewhat faster than sound. You must know of course, how much I love you..."

"You asked me to write the truth about us... I suffer from a severe case of "hubris," an overweening pride. Prometheus was punished by the gods forever and is still suffering in all of us for inventing fire and stealing it from the gods. I am forever punished by the gods for being given the fire and trying to put it out. The fire, of course, is you..."

"Well first of all, you must realize that I worship you. Second of all, at the expense of seeming repetitive, I love you. Thirdly, and here I go again with my enormous command of language, I can't live without you. Thirdly, I mean fourthly, you have an enormous responsibility because if you leave me I shall have to kill myself. There is no life without you , I'm afraid. And I am afraid. Afeared. In terms of my life, scared. Lost. Alone. Dull. Dumb. (That will be the day.) And fifthly, and I hope I will never repeat myself, I fancy you. I bet that you would be alright if you loved me and stuff like that. Sixthly, I bet if you could persuade me to stop acting, which is a practice I've always deplored, I could work out a way whereby I could stay alive until I'm fifty-five..."

Elizabeth keeps the last letter she ever received from Burton in a drawer next to her bed. She refuses to share it verbatim, believing it to be too personal. Richard had been happiest with her and he wanted to come home. It is one of her most prized possessions.

"Richard is a very sexy man. He's got that sort of jungle essence that one can sense."

"More than anything else in the world I wanted a man who could control me."

All photos and letters are from the July 2010 issue of Vanity Fair.

"Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze, just take the lead and you're free"

First I want to apologize for being the worst blogger. I had a feeling this would happen, I could sense my forth-coming neglect. Post two is finally here! Two weeks overdue. I’m genuinely going to attempt to post more often. In fact in this final week of my summer vacation I intend to challenge myself to post something for each of my last days in Jersey. I highly doubt anyone has cared about my blogging absence. Probably due to the fact that no one reads this. However I feel as though I let myself down because I made this with such an intention to follow through, and here we are, two weeks in, and this thing has basically fallen to shits and bits. Perhaps I can resurrect it from its pathetic, pitiful and abandoned existence. The fact that I’m actually posting a second post is shocking, so maybe there is hope after all!

It isn’t that I haven’t had anything to blog about either. In fact I have a whole list of topics that I will no doubt shower upon my “readers.” The issue is just forcing myself to sit down and transfer them. It’s clearly a major issue. Especially since I want to write for a living. Excellent prospects, really.

Anyways, my plan as I previously mentioned is to post once a day, everyday for this upcoming week. Don’t I just spoil you readers with this promise of my insightful, amazing thoughts?? (ha!) Actually, my future posts are a far cry from my first one, they will center around the five books I challenged myself to finish reading by the time I depart for the dear Midwest next week. I’m pretty psyched actually; you probably shouldn’t be though… at the rate I’m blogging you’ll be able to read about my summer reading in November.

But that is all to come, for now I’ll just focus on this post (I just figured you wouldn’t mind hearing me admitting that I suck at being an avid blogger), which is (hopefully) the last one of its kind for at least a week. Not that I mind writing more personal updates, I just doubt they are truly fascinating enough for anyone to spend their time reading. However, I really need to get this one thing out of my heart and onto paper. It’s a mindset I defined at the end of this school year/mid summer. I think its always been a part of me, in fact I think I lived most of my life by it, just never fully realizing what I was doing until I really experienced it this year.

Freedom. It’s delicious and addictive and available in limitless quantities. Obviously we all make choice everyday, from the miniscule “What color eye shadow should I wear?” to the more major ones such as “ What school should I pick? What college should I spend four years at hoping to gain an education that is actually worth the loans I will be paying back for years to come?” And obviously no one can make these decisions for me. I’ve always made my own decisions, I don’t succumb to peer pressure and while I’m quite sensitive to other’s opinions of me, I always manage to listen and hear my own voice above that of others.

I’ve been steadfast in all my decisions because, for the most part, I’ve just been following my heart. Somehow during my first year of college a little bit of doubt, a pinch of criticism and a touch of negativity infected my mind and clouded my vision for a while, making me prone to second guess myself. I was in this rut and couldn’t figure out what was causing it (I was determined to get the hell out of it though). It took me some time to recognize that I was feeling a bit off because my mentality was a bit off. My “flying free” philosophy got a little lost in the jumble of chaotic freshmen year. I was giving too much thought and concern about other’s opinions of me. I spent most of the moments before drifting off to sleep freaking out about the uncertainty of my future and if I was ruining it all. The endless opportunities that were ahead of me stopped exciting me and started confusing and scaring me. There were simply too many options.

Somehow, someday, I just snapped the fuck out of it. There really is no better way to describe it (albeit a less crude one I’m sure). All of the worrying and negativity was draining me, and I knew it. I’m a happy, confident, self-assured individual and I don’t have room in my life for doubt, fear or criticism. Something seriously snapped. I got fed up with having other’s opinions influence my own, I got fed up with all of the constant worrying and I got extremely fed up with doubt. I think I was flying back home to beautiful Jersey when I remembered that this life is my life, and I’m the only one fit to run it. I can do as I please with it (though there will be consequences) and I am in complete control. People are going to judge me whether I please them or not. Their opinions of me are just that, opinions, not the truth. And their opinions are absolutely none of my business or concern. I felt like more people were judging my every action and decision instead of being interested in my life and my choices. Go ahead, judge and criticize, because I don’t really give a damn anymore. I’m free to live my life.

I think the whole ‘freedom’ concept gets lost under all the criticism and backlash that one can receive, and the intoxicating sense of being free slips away before most people can get a good grip on it. Being free, completely free, means to have the courage and ability to get what you desire out of life, just pick a goal and go get it without fear. Fear of: rejection, failure, other’s remarks, of mistakes, oneself. And it means to trust my intuition and not feel compelled to waste my time and energy convincing others that I'm not screwing up my life. They might not understand my every decision, but they don’t have to. And I don’t mind if they don’t, it matters not whether they approve or disprove.

One can be free from judgment and criticism when one realizes that it is your choice to care about other’s judgment and criticism. YOU are free to ignore it and not pay it any mind. In the end, you really determine the amount of negative feedback you get, because you can choose to simply leave it all behind as you stay true to yourself and live the life YOU want. As soon as I had this little epiphany on the plane, all my doubt vanished. I’m happy not only with where I am in life, where I want to be, and what I strive to be, but I’m happy with who I am at this very moment. And no one else has the ability to make me doubt that, I won’t let him or her. I’m free to listen and ignore.

I’ve always been this way, really. I’ve always thought and acted for myself mainly due the fact that I’ve been blessed with parents who always allowed me to just be myself. They let me develop into my own person, and they never forced their own thoughts or ideas down my throat. (Minus Bush’s speeches at which I was in a fit of laughter at his invention of words and lack of a brain, while my father kept pumping his fist and yelling ridiculous supportive phrases in response to Bush’s excuse of a State of the Union Address.) They let me think and act freely from the very beginning. I was always reminded to “Remember who I was,” and somehow that was all I ever needed. I was never stifled or spoiled. For the most part, they always treated me as the adult I was going to become. They let me learn my lessons the hard way and would mock and make fun of me when I didn’t get what I wanted. They let me stumble and fall, and allowed me the opportunity to pick myself up. They gave me the freedom to fail, and the freedom to learn. They didn’t cushion me; they let me take full responsibility for my actions. They of course, always supported and loved me, but they truly taught me that character matters more than reputation. And for that, I am extremely grateful.

I’m not sure how or why that strong mentality of mine slipped away from me, but I do know that I have it back and it sure as hell is never leaving me again.

I am so utterly done with worrying. It is such a waste of time and is an insult to my intelligence because I’m well aware that worrying is the most ineffective tool in the box, things that are actually worth worrying about will be the ones that blindside me. Somehow I’ll deal with them when they arise and live to tell the tale. I refuse to let other’s hold me back because I refuse to let their opinions effect me. Think what you want about me, that’s your freedom, but mine is to not give two flying shits what you think about me. I know whom I am and that really is all that matters. I’m eradicating the people in my life that spread their misery. Which sounds harsh but it is my life after all, and I don’t want to spend it in the company of those who can’t appreciate what they have instead of bitching about what they don’t). Insecure people, in my experience, are dangerous because they have this knack to put other’s down in order to feel better about themselves. They let jealousy and judgment consume them and quite honestly, I don’t want to associate with them and their trail of tears and misery. I don’t appreciate others trying who secretly find joy in my suffering. That is just plain mean and disgusting. Get a hobby.

I’m not sure I can ever really rid my self of doubt, that stuff is stubborn! I think it’s a part of life, it creeps in, but it can be silenced and counteracted with a smile and reassurance that if one is following their intuition they will end up where they intend and need to be. Most importantly I’m done being so hard on myself. I can’t blame others for trying to keep me grounded as much as I can myself. I am in complete control. I can choose to be happy. And I most certainly can choose to be free from negativity. I’m more to blame than anyone else because instead of just flying free I allowed myself to get too bogged down with worthless thoughts and feelings that were uncharacteristic of me. And they sucked too.

I’m flying free once again. And this time with more security and conviction than before. For once, I truly don’t care what other people think of me, I’m so over trying to fill this need to be accepted and loved by everyone. “ I want people to love me, but it isn’t going to hurt me if they don’t” (Thanks Drew!). I certainly cannot pinpoint my purpose in life, but I sure as hell can guarantee you that it is NOT to please other people by sacrificing my true self. I am who I am, and not everyone will like me. I’ve come to accept that, and it’s liberating. (Note the theme!) My job in life is not to make decisions that please others, but to make the ones that please myself. In fact, isn’t that everyone’s job? If everyone just lived their own lives, focused on their own goals and didn’t give a shit about what other’s thought, wouldn’t we live in a world full of more confident people? And wouldn't that confidence make us better people, who supported one another and could strive together? Just a thought...what do I know?

EXAMPLE TIME: I’ve been at college for a full year and still people are questioning my choice to go to Missouri. I would have absolutely no problem with people simply asking me “Why?” out of curiosity. Instead they discuss it behind my back and make up reasons, trying to I don’t know, psychoanalyze me? They never just ask. It made me realize that most people would rather spend their time gossiping, speculating about my choices and decisions instead of just finding out the truth. They don’t really want the truth, if they really wanted to know, they would just ask. They spend their time searching for some hidden answer, as if they know my deep dark desires more than I do. Nope, so sorry, you don’t. It used to irritate me to no end. And it wasn’t just complete strangers; it was usually random family members. My mother would say to me, “Oh so, so-and-so wants to know why you REALLY went out-of-state.” No she doesn’t, because if she did she would just ask. My mother and I get a kick out of this (I basically just laugh off everyone else’s opinions of me now). I would get SO upset by all of this. Why are people so immature? Why are grown people so immature? Why don’t they just ask? Why don’t they talk to me about this? And then I realized, “Why do I care?” If people are immature and want to talk shit then go ahead. It’s not my time wasted, it’s yours. Enjoy discussing your thoughts about why I went to Missouri while I’m actually there having a kick ass time. I honestly, genuinely, NO LONGER CARE! It’s an amazing feeling. And it feels so good. It isn’t always easy ignoring other’s hateful words or actions, but I can do it, I have the freedom to let my own ambitions triumph over other’s words.

So much lies ahead and all of it is unknown and unseen. I think about all that I accomplished this year, how much I’ve changed and how much more is left for me to experience in the next three years. And then I maximize that, I think about all that is left for me in my entire life. It seems so indefinite, so full of opportunity. It is probably the scariest and absolutely greatest feeling I’ve ever had. I don’t know where I’ll be in 10 years. And that just thrills me. I don’t know the person I’ll be, what job I’ll have, who I’ll be friends with, where I live or what I’ll be doing with my life. My life seems so full of possibility, I cannot even begin to fathom and predict anything about the coming five years of my life. And I’ve decided that in addition to being happy when I grow up, I always want this feeling. No matter my age, relationship status, employment status etc. I want to always feel as though the world is full of opportunity. That really shouldn’t be a problem since I’ll be flying, free of animosity and negativity, determined to live my life with courage and conviction.

Just let go. Let go of all that negativity, scorn and criticism (especially if you are self-inducing it.) Make a plan for what you want for YOU, and go about it making it happen. Do it with conviction and confidence. Truly disregard what other’s think about you, or rather disregard your need to know or care what other’s think about you. Be who you are and just shine. Stop worrying, it’s such a waste, and find excitement in the unknown instead of fear. Stick to your path, don’t compare yourself to others because “there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself and you will become either vain or bitter.” Live your life as you see fit, recognize that you are in complete control. And don’t let that overwhelm you. The thing about flying is, it’s a really fun ride, and as corny as this whole ridiculous post has been, I’m speaking from a personal experience and I can definitely tell you that because I’m flying I’m always positive. I smile a lot more and I feel in control and strong. Somehow I just don’t let things irritate me anymore, I’m too busy living my life without limits to care, I’m too busy flying free.

I completely understand how utterly corny and ridiculous this might all be sounding to you. And that's just fine, but I needed to share it all the same. It is how I am living my life, and of course you are free to disagree or ridicule but it is what is. If you actually read this monstrous novel then I hope you enjoyed, or are at least finding enjoyment in mocking me. Either way I hope you didn't completely waste your time.

"Paloma," by Carbon Leaf.

Chase the high ground - where you'd rather be

Where you might be found

Face all aglow, to leave from here

To pack up and go

But it takes some time to get away

And you will have to build from what remains

To run it takes the courage of a lamb

To love, the fierceness of a storm

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder

Everyone's staring , but no one is caring for you now

Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze

Just take the leap... and you're free

Chase the high ground - where you'd rather be

Where you might be found

This move may erase the troubles in your head

Or expose the absence of your soul

And so, it takes some time to get away

And you will have to tear down what remains

And I can't stand for goodbyes

So hold on to me, or lead the way

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder

Everyone's staring , but no one is caring for you now

Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze

Just take the leap... and you're free

Pace yourself when outrunning fear

Take cover when it's dark

And keep an even keel

In your world you're only a phone away

But in my world you're too far to feel

And it may take some time to learn what's real

And you may have to beg and borrow

And you will surely steal

Remember all those lonely sessions

Turned into yesterday's lessons

To never forget love, to never forget love

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder

Everyone's staring, but no one is caring for you now

Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze

Just take the leap... and you're free

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder

Everyone's staring but no one is caring for...

Paloma you cry out you beg for connection

The dreams you seek are straight ahead in every direction

Now you're free

Now that you're, you're free

Now that you're, you're free

You're free

Today I watched the greatest thing of all

A flock of birds, preparing for the fall.

"Your life is your responsibility. That is simultaneously a sobering obligation and a fantastic opportunity. Make the commitment, do the work, accept the responsibility that is necessary for that fulfillment. Live the outstanding life that is yours to experience. Allow you to be truly you. And let the power of love color your world."

"Some people will value what you say, what you do, what you seek, and other people won't. Keep reminding yourself that's their concern, not yours."

"Choose to do what you know is worthy and what you know is best. Let go of the useless and limiting fear of rejection, and feel the freedom to truly soar."