"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone."

-AUDREY HEPBURN

"Reality is always paradoxical: on one hand you feel vulnerable, on another hand you feel strong-that means a moment of truth has arrived. On one hand you feel you don't know anything, on another hand you feel you know all-a moment of truth has arrived. I believe we write our own stories. And each time we think we know the end-we don't. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and in peace that comes from knowing that you just can't know it all. You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong."

"I was nineteen once too. Nineteen, like the warm summer sunlight, the age of nineteen won't last. There's nothing we can do to stop time, we just need to find a new direction and follow our futures."

"Hey Na Na"

"Slow down you crazy child..."

So. As a way to keep myself blogging at least once a week and to keep true to the my personal reason for launching this blog I’ve unleashed my brilliant imagination and formulated this concept. Its called Scintillating Thursdays . Ironically, by the time I publish this it will no doubt be Friday. (Perhaps next time I develop a creative concept I should start before 10 at night).

Lauren Berger, the Intern Queen, offered this fabulous advice during an interview. She said you should write something positive about yourself when you are at a good place in your life, and refer to it later on when you are riding the struggle bus. Brilliant woman, really. But I might just be saying that because I did that prior to reading the interview. I went back and reread my first blog post the other day. It impacted me more than any famous quote or prized advice from dear friends. As I read that post, the confidence and self-assurance with which I once wrote with, danced off the screen. Suddenly, I was reminded (by myself) how utterly fabulous it is to just sparkle. I was re-ignited with the audacity that accompanied me as I looked fear in its disgusting face and clicked ‘publish post’ for the first time. The rush of risking myself, of daring to embarrass myself, was exhilarating as much as it was frightening.

I’ve been letting myself down lately, because while I might be posting, I’m not necessarily risking much, and that’s not acceptable anymore. I get pestered quite frequently from all of you about why I haven’t updated, why I haven’t written a “real” post in such a long time. Answer: I let fear seep back in. Thus, I have crafted Scintillating Thursdays! I am determined to publish something very raw and personal on these days. And I quote “If others want to take a peek into the goings on of my heart and mind, then I’m happy (ish) to let them, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that sharing my writing with others is honestly just me taking a risk and killing any shred of self-created fear more so than my desire to share my every thought with the world via the internet." Couldn’t have said it better myself (Oh, the wit!)

Slow down you crazy child. You’re so ambitious for a juvenile, but then if you’re so smart tell me why are you still so afraid?

Starting with the most basic of all truths; the name of this blog. I never divulged where the title came from, in fact I’m sure most of you didn’t pay it a mere thought, but it actually matters immensely. “Slow down you crazy child,” is one of my favorite lines from Billy Joel’s “Vienna.” I would declare “Vienna” as my favorite song, except that doesn’t seem appropriate. It just is my song. It has been since the 7^th grade when I found myself sobbing hysterically along to it while perched on my roof. I don’t even think anything was wrong, it just hit me so strongly and it still does every time I hear it. A gorgeous blend of light scolding, a hint of mockery and a lovely, yet undeniable reassurance that everything is going to be okay. Basically; Calm the fuck down. You’re not missing out on anything, you’re exactly where you should be for the sheer fact that it is where you are.

Where’s the fire, what’s the hurry about? You better cool it off before you burn it out, you got so much to do, and only so many hours in a day.

I almost always hold back tears every time I listen to it. Naturally, it plays on repeat when I’m having an awful day filled to the brim with stress and projected failure. Yet, I never skip over it, on shuffle, even on my best and brightest days, on those, it makes them even brighter. It just helps put life into perspective. Your life is yours, you aren’t going to miss anything, and there shouldn’t be this rush to get anywhere. You’re life cannot progress without the main star. You are exactly where you are supposed to be, and there really isn’t a destination. And as equipped and prepared as I am for the future, Billy’s right, “If I’m SO smart, then why am I still so afraid?” A lot of life just figures itself out. And I think we forget that too often. I’m in such a hurry to figure it all out and get all my ducks in a row, but I cannot even predict what is going to happen. And you know what, I like that. Because Vienna is always going to wait for me; my future will constantly be my future.

But you know that when the truth is told that you can get what you want or you can just get old.

What a beautiful dose of refreshing reality that is. I’m so young, and think I have all of this control, when truth is, I don’t need to be controlling much of anything. In fact, I should be relinquishing more of this control as I get older, because honestly the more I learn about life, the more I realize I can never predict what’s going to happen next. Events zig-zag together to form this bizarre chain, people collide into my life on a whim and actually end up mattering, and I end up in the last place I ever expected which is also the only place I really belong in. Ironic, isn’t it?

You’re gonna kick off before you even get halfway through. When will you realize…Vienna waits for you.

I’m still a child despite how much maturity I may possess. We all are really. But, like most children, we dream about days when we will be grown ups, when everything will be perfect, and we can run our own lives. We spend so much time planning that we just end up wasting away our youth and joy in a measly attempt to arrange a future that is going to happen differently then we want it to. Sometimes, the best way to gain more control is to just let go and have faith. And I don’t even think its faith in the universe, or in fate or even in a greater being. I think its about having faith in oneself. In that, you don’t have to waste away the present mapping out a greater future. You’re life isn’t going to evolve without you. It isn’t as though if you miss an opportunity you won’t be able to achieve what you want later on. In fact, most things in life will change your course, and they will make you realize that what you thought you so desperately wanted couldn’t be farther from the truth. You’re future is always waiting for you, it isn’t going to escape you. So relax. And instead of grappling to understand or predict it, stop worrying about it. Focus on the present, and realize that if you burn yourself out now then you won’t have a future. Why do we spend so much time crafting a future that probably won’t work out the way we plan? Thank goodness our lives don’t flawlessly manifest from our dreams. If we all got we wanted it would be quite a tragedy, because most of what we want we didn’t realize we wanted in the first place, until quite suddenly life gives it to us. And then we couldn’t imagine ourselves without it. I never wanted Mizzou for instance. I never could have predicted it. But now that I have it, I can’t imagine my life without it, it’s exactly what I needed and wanted, I just didn’t realize it until I actually had it. So, if we cannot understand the worth of something until we actually obtain it, shouldn’t we slow down, and stop trying to acquire what we think we want, and let life help guide us to the things we really desire?

Slow down you’re doing fine, you can’t be everything you want to be before your time, although it’s so romantic on the borderline tonight.

So easily we become consumed and obsessed with achieving and accomplishing goals just so we can validate our lives as we cross one more task off our “to-do list” of life. Sometimes we push to much. We rush through the fa-la-la moments and seemingly frivolous moments in order to pursue something of real “importance.” Slow down. Life isn’t designed for you to achieve everything you want at one given moment. You might not, at any point in your life, have everything simultaneously conquered. It is quite likely that at 24 you will have a shitty job, but perhaps become engaged. Oh goody, congrats! Yet, maybe seven years later you have a fabulous career and an even greater wardrobe but you’re going through a divorce. The odds of getting everything you want all at the same time are so unexplainably rare that I don’t understand why everyone is after that unattainable.

Too bad, but it’s the life you lead, you’re so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need

Chances are, you will get everything you want out of life, you just won’t get any of it in the way you think you will. You won’t miss out on this future you’ve dreamed up by living your present life. In fact, what I want for my future keeps changing because I keep changing, thankfully. I can’t rush through the now, my perfect future is always waiting for me, I’m not prolonging the wait by going off the beaten path and just relaxing every once and a while. Plus, I think a lot of the time you do get the future you want, even if by taking chances on things that would never appear to get you there. Because if what we think we want and what we genuinely desire are one in the same then it’s going to work out. So, just relax and do what you want to do with life. Take a class that has nothing to do with your major. Allow yourself to screw up every now and again. Have two desserts. Decide to drink at an ad club meeting on a Wednesday night. Go on a walk with a stranger and get to know them. Date someone who you think is completely wrong for you. Compliment someone you’re not particularly fond of. Study abroad. Risk. Risk. Risk. Don’t let your mind overpower your heart. You’ll psych yourself out and scare yourself into believing that Vienna is slipping away when it’s always in your reach.

Although you can see when you’re wrong, you know you can’t always see when you’re right.

If you have this master plan, all crisp and flawless, then how come you’re so afraid? When I feel like I have my shit together that’s normally when I have the most fear. Because what if I fail? What if everything I have planned out doesn’t come true? No matter how much you try to control life, it’s not really in your power, and that is scary. But life is about being afraid, and looking past that fear and going after what you want anyways. It’s about taking the detours and not knowing where you will end up. It’s all about the risk. Because in the end, Vienna will still be there, waiting. Make mistakes, because really, it’s only life. Stop being so damn hard on yourself all the time. You are only failing the ridiculous expectations YOU place on yourself. Give yourself some slack.

You got your passion, you got your pride, but don’t you know that only fools are satisfied?

We learn the most basic truths at a young age. And then we spend the rest of our lives re-learning and re-living them. I learned at five that some people are just down right mean and selfish. And they suck. Yet, every time I encounter another one from that irritating species I allow myself to be aggravated, even though I know they exist and should just ignore them. Over and over again I question why people are rude, even though I already have the answer. I learned that time heals a lot of wounds, but that doesn’t make every new heartbreak any less painful. Its like I’m learning the lesson all over again. Or, stressing out and worrying about something won’t fix the situation or make it any less fearsome. Yet every time I still panic. We’re creatures of habit.

You would think certain things wouldn’t phase us after a while, but I find we are still perplexed by events that we have already lived through in some form or another. Just like how huge performers still get stage fright before a concert, or how I still panic when I hit the publish button, even though I know it really will be okay when four people read one of my posts. Sometimes we just can’t shake nerves, even though we fully grasp how ridiculous we’re being. I guess it’s similar to going on a date. You know you don’t smell, and that you’re competent at having a conversation, and clearly the other person likes you if either a) they asked you out or b) you asked them out and they agreed. Yet, everyone I know gets nervous before a first date with someone. We panic and freak out. Some of us even do the worm. We could really like the person, and be really excited, yet a part of us is still consumed by nerves. We just can’t help it. Just like we can’t control our futures. There are just certain things in life that trip us up, most of the time in a good way too. That’s why we’re crazy children. We repeat the same things over and over and over again, and even though we learn and grow, the most basic things tend to still freak us out because we can never truly master them. Because life can’t really be controlled, and it would be void of magic and sparkle if it were.

Dream on but don’t imagine they’ll all come true. When will you realize, Vienna waits for you.

This song constantly reminds me I’m not in control, and I don’t have to be. Thus far, my life has worked out, and honestly, I really could not have predicted much of any of it. Yet it’s exactly what I wanted. Crazy how that happens. I’m allowed to check out from my hectic life now and again. We all are. Yet, we think we’re going to miss out, or screw up if we put ourselves first and pay attention to our mental health. Ridiculous, really. And we’re allowed to take detours and do bizarre things. I still have 50 years left of a career that has yet to begun. FIFTY. I haven’t even been alive that long yet. That’s a lot of time. So if I want to take a semester to study abroad, what am I really missing out on? Nothing. I can afford to miss a semester of college to go to another country. I have time for it. I have time for a lot of detours and crazy antics. I have time to disappear and still manage to live an amazing life later on. I have time to live an amazing life now. I’m not going to miss out on a future if I do things now that aren’t directly affecting my master plan. Everything is going to work out as it should.

Slow down you crazy child and take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while. It’s alright you can afford to lose a day or two. When will you realize…Vienna waits for you.

Slow down you crazy child. We’re all crazy. Life must look at us and have a good laugh sometimes. Just like when we were so sure the lightening bugs we had captured in mason jars were fairies or that placing a crown of daisies atop our 6-year old heads would magically whisk us away to some distant land, our naivety follows us throughout life. Do we really believe that just because we concocted this master plan it will happen without a hitch? Do we really believe that it’s best to follow one, straight, narrow path to our goals? We’re all crazy children. We think we have the power to predict our futures, to decide who we fall in love with, where we will end up settling down, and how many obnoxious offspring we will produce. Carrie Bradshaw pondered that perhaps our mistakes are what make our fate. Maybe our mistakes are really all we have. Maybe that is our life. The so-called “screw-ups,” or detours or bad decisions, they are life. They aren’t blocking us from getting to Vienna, they are Vienna.

And you know that when the truth is told, you can get what you want or you can just get old. You’re gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

And maybe not everyone agrees with Billy and me. Some people don’t seem to think Vienna will wait for them. And so they focus their mind to believe that if they do something in the present that doesn’t COMPLETELY match up with this cookie cutter future they have formulated, then it’s a waste of time. That it’s distracting them from the main goal and could not possibly lead to a positive outcome, only pain and heartbreak. Look, I sure as hell don’t want to live in Missouri. In fact I want to live on the East Coast, where you now, I grew up. But that didn’t stop me from jetting off to the Midwest for college. Some might think its pointless, I don’t. Some people don’t understand dating someone you probably won’t marry. Pointless they would say. I completely disagree. I don’t think life is about this proposed outcome you have designed for yourself. Honestly, what the hell do you even know, you’re just a child! Isn’t life what you make of it along the way? Isn’t that when you find out not what you think you want, but what you genuinely desire? You know though, that’s just me. And that’s one of those life lessons I need to keep re-learning. Not everyone thinks life is about winging it. Some really believe they have the power to control their future. And that’s fine. I disagree, but that’s life. I don’t intend to change anyone or change his or her view of life, but it does upset me. I wish more people were reassured that their lives are perfect, that they don’t need to kill themselves to create this impressive resume and that taking the risk is worth it. It’s always worth it. What are you essentially even risking? You’re chance at your proposed perfect future? It probably wasn’t going to work out quite the way you imagined anyways…

Why don’t you realize…Vienna waits for you. When will you realize…Vienna waits for you.

It took me a really, really long time to realize this. And, I’m still relearning it all the time, but everything really will be ok. Not just in the end, but along the way. And it just sucks when not everyone around you feels the same way. But that’s life. And just like I can’t control my future, I can’t change anyone else. Yet, for that person who just doesn’t get it, there is another who will always accompany me in belting out these words, somewhere between Columbia and Kansas City in the pitch black as I theatrically eat a Big Mac. Because Vienna is waiting, and there’s no need to rush.