Oh, hello.
It's been awhile, hasn't it?
So, what have I been up to?
Well, currently I'm growing through my junior year crisis.
It has not been a particularly enjoyable experience, in case you were wondering.
Technically, everything is fine. More than fine, peachy, really. Everyday life is still fun and bright, for the most part. It's like a great manicure. My nails are freshly painted and polished. I appear to have my shit together. Yet, there is all of this crap underlying my seemingly perfect appearance. Tons of dirt stuck under the nails. This may not be visible to anyone but myself, but knowing that its there is a constant reminder of all that I still have left to figure out.
I'm facing something I've never faced before: Not knowing what I want.
I've always known what I've wanted. I've always had a gut reaction, relied on my intuition and acted on impulse on far too many occasions.
This year, that gut reaction, that burst of passion, that internal compass decided to just up and leave me.
Jerk.
I guess it got tired of working so hard the past twenty years, and decided to take a vacation. I wouldn't know though, it's not as though we're on speaking terms with each other. Maybe its still there, and it just hasn't found something worth reacting to. Or maybe it is just confused and overwhelmed. Maybe it finds humor in me flailing around in my life like a confused bird. I, for one, am not amused.
If you're wondering what this crazy girl is babbling about, bear with me.
In my mere twenty years of existence, I have made choices and decisions based on my intuition. ALWAYS. I'll pretend to be a really rational human being, though. I'll weigh all my options, I'll make pro/con lists, I'll discuss with people older than me, you know, the supposed "wise" ones. And then I'll throw all my rationale out the window. I'll go with a feeling. When it came to making a decision on where to attend college, I had a dream school. I got in. Early. It had 27052849 pros, and maybe 2 cons.
I still have the napkin from an orientation I went to there.
Yeah.
On paper, it looked freaking fantastic. But something felt off. I LOVED the WAY that school looked on paper, but I'm not sure I ever really loved IT. It felt safe and predictable; exactly where I should end up. You know what school didn't? The one in the middle of MISSOURI. I don't even think I bothered making a pro/con list for it. The cons outweighed the pros before I even wrote one out, or you know, visited.
I visited. I didn't need a damn list. I just KNEW. All of those months of deliberating, and I just knew. And as crazy as the decision was, it just felt right. It felt like the right choice. Because suddenly, I knew what I wanted.
When I know what I want, I can make a plan and execute it. I can direct my passion and set my sights on what I really want. And, usually, I get it. Sometimes I didn't. That's life. And that can be chalked up to a myriad of things, but for the most part I think that always boiled down to the fact that I didn't think I was good enough. I was lacking some sort of qualification or confidence, and I let that eat away at me. I got in the way of my own path.
I've learned that mentality is utter bullshit.
Flash forward two years. I no longer doubt my abilities. I gained more confidence. I feel qualified for anything I am going after. And if I don't feel completely qualified, I fake it, because chances are I am qualified, I just don't realize it quite yet. I guess this came from not thinking I was good enough. So I would watch someone else that I deemed "better' than myself take on a position. Only to realize that I very easily could have done a better job.
ANYWAYS. In a nutshell: I used to not think I could have/get anything I wanted, but I was always able to identify what it was that I wanted. And that was comforting. I always had a plan, a direction, a passion. Then, I gained confidence and recognized I'm capable and qualified for just about anything I really want. The issue? Well now that I have EVERY door open, now that I'm a 20 year-old in college with her entire life in front of her, now that I could literally pursue ANYTHING, I no longer have ANY IDEA WHAT I WANT.
So, that's just fabulous.
I have all of these choices in front of me. And they are all wonderful opportunities. But choosing just one requires me to give up the rest of them. Which is understandable. Picking one means passing on the rest. It sucks to think about what you have to to give up to go after what you really want, but that's life. OH WAIT. I don't know what I want. Thus my crisis and rambling, obnoxious blog post.
For example. Let's say I have all of these great choices, but I want to study abroad. Yet, studying abroad requires me to give up three other things. Well, bummer. BUT if studying abroad is what I REALLY want, then I'll do it without hesitation. That intuition will kick in and I'll KNOW I'm making the right choice.
Problem is, I don't know what I want anymore (have I mentioned this yet?).
So I'm faced with making decisions without my gut reaction. Nothing is tugging at my heart strings. Every option is on the same level. Nothing really excites me.
Am I qualified for it all? Absolutely? Would I like any of my options? Of course. Do I know which one I WANT? Nope.
So boo-hoo for me, right?
I understand that I am putting a lot of pressure on myself. I understand that most people do not know what they want to do with the rest of their lives. And I am learning that the best choice I can make is going to be whichever one I end up choosing.
Do I want to be studying journalism? Yes. But do I want to be a journalist. Mm, debatable.
I do not mind being pulled off of my path, but I need to be following something. And without a burning passion or gut feeling, how am I supposed to know what the right choice is?
I understand this probably sounds very trite and full of complaints for those reading this, but I'm not going to hide that I'm scared of opportunity. I'm frightened by the immense amount of options. I don't know how to navigate so many potential futures without my internal compass.
But my compass took a hiatus. And I don't know how to make it come back.
I'm starting to wonder if it disappeared because my not knowing what I want is stemming from the fact that I might not really know who I am anymore. Which is normal, and change is good.
And absolutely frightening.
I just have to make a choice. I just have to choose one door above the rest and see what it brings me. Maybe my intuition is behind a door, waiting for me to come and find it.
Or maybe I'm just a stressed out, sleep-deprived, journalism student.
