"But I could never follow, no I could never follow. If you ever want to find me I can still be found, taking the long way around, taking the long way"

"My friends from high school married their high school boyfriends, moved into houses in the same ZIP codes where their parents live. But I could never follow No I, I could never follow. I hit the highway in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling. Lived like a gypsy, six strong hands on the steering wheel. I've been a long time gone now, maybe someday, someday, I'm gonna settle down. But I've always found my way somehow, by taking the long way, taking the way around, taking the long way, taking the way around. I met the queen of whatever. Drank with Irish and smoked with the hippies, moved with the shakers. Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to. No I, I could never follow, No i could never follow. It's been two long years since the tope of the world came crashing dow and I'm gettin' it back on the road now. But I'm taking the way way, taking the long way around, I'm taking the long way, taking the long way around. Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself, I opened my mouth and I heard myself. It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself, guess I could have made it easier on myself. But I , I could never follow. No I, I could never follow. Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else, maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down. If you ever want to find me I can still be found, taking the long way, taking the long way around, taking the long way, taking the long way around."

- The Dixie Chicks, "Long Way Around."

I’ve been having a lot of difficulty writing lately, which is quite odd considering the cascade of emotions and feelings I’ve been dealing with. Perhaps that’s why there hasn’t been any updates- because I’m feeling so strange that I can’t seem to get a good grasp on what I’m feeling and its pretty challenging to express to the world how you’re feeling if you yourself can’t manage to figure it all out.

I’m happy to be back at Mizzou. I think I needed to type that sentence as reassurance for myself. Because I really am. I love this campus, I love sitting outside Memorial right now in gorgeous weather and spending my Saturday afternoon writing and people watching. Its just that last year, everything was so new and shiny. It was my freshmen year of college, so regardless of the college itself, I would no doubt be exhilarated by a new environment and freedom. Yes, it was upsetting having to leave the east coast, but Mizzou was such a frenzy of excitement and opportunities that while I missed my roots, I was happy to be enjoying where I was at the moment. Like that toy you so desperately wish and pray for at Christmas and then abandon three weeks after getting it, Mizzou is slowly fading in its novelty.

OK, that’s a bit drastic, since there is still so much for me to do here, but I’m just more aware of all that I gave up in coming here. And I’m still ecstatic about my choice but I wonder why the hell I have to make my life so difficult. Imagine if I were just like most other college students who just loaded up the car with their families for move-in day. No. God forbid I’m not a pain in the ass. And its fine and it all works out, but after being home for the summer I’ve really realized how east-coast I really am and how much better I just fit in there. Not that that is really a surprise or anything, and it isn’t as though I won’t be returning, but something about the start of this year made me question my decisions. Not necessarily my decision to come here but the way I make my decisions and how driven I am by intuition. Which so far has always taken me where I really want to be, but what if I’m just lulling myself into this false belief that I’m always going to be making the right choices based on feelings? But that got me think even further…. Who would I be if my decisions were a result of just my mind? Maybe I knew I needed to come here, not just because of that initial feeling upon seeing the campus and the J-school, but because there is something I’m supposed to gain from here that I just haven’t discovered yet. Isn’t this just the way that I am? Not that I purposely making decisions that complicate things (In fact its quite the opposite) but I’ve always followed my own path and have always had this reassuring feeling that life was working out as it should. So can I keep that feeling alive, can it trump these fleeting moments of doubt? Because I really don’t doubt my decision in the least bit, I’m just curious as to how I can be so steadfast and sure in making these decisions. How can I be so secure in taking the long way ‘round?

Yes, I’m a strong individual, but honestly when I first heard this song years ago I felt shame. I was not the girl the Chicks were singing about. I play by the rules (well usually), I think before I act and I like to have a plan. Jumping into a pink RV and riding around is not my thing. But I guess maybe just following your own heart is you taking your long way around. It isn’t that I’m some crazy, hippie, life-is-good chick, but that I break the status quo because I really make my own choices. It isn’t that I could never follow the “live-in-the-same-town-all-my-life” mold, its that I could never follow. I could choose to live the ordinary life, and that would be just fine, I could have chosen to stay in Jersey for college, but I felt like that wouldn’t have been much of a choice, that it would have just been me following a mold. And I don’t follow.

Even sitting here now I’m not really sure why the hell I’m in Missouri, how did I wind up here? What is even going on?? BAH! But it’s just me taking my long way round. Not just physically either, its me living out my choices and even if they’re bizarre ones or seem to detour me, aren’t they still valuable? After all, as much as I like to have a plan, I could never plan out what I really want to get out of life. Because those experiences and lessons cannot be predicted and planned out. I just have to live and see where it all takes me, which is absolutely fucking frightening, but also sort-of the point, no?

So as I wonder about my choices, I have to realize that the sheer fact that I have choices to wonder about is all that matters. I could never follow.