"Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze, just take the lead and you're free"

First I want to apologize for being the worst blogger. I had a feeling this would happen, I could sense my forth-coming neglect. Post two is finally here! Two weeks overdue. I’m genuinely going to attempt to post more often. In fact in this final week of my summer vacation I intend to challenge myself to post something for each of my last days in Jersey. I highly doubt anyone has cared about my blogging absence. Probably due to the fact that no one reads this. However I feel as though I let myself down because I made this with such an intention to follow through, and here we are, two weeks in, and this thing has basically fallen to shits and bits. Perhaps I can resurrect it from its pathetic, pitiful and abandoned existence. The fact that I’m actually posting a second post is shocking, so maybe there is hope after all!

It isn’t that I haven’t had anything to blog about either. In fact I have a whole list of topics that I will no doubt shower upon my “readers.” The issue is just forcing myself to sit down and transfer them. It’s clearly a major issue. Especially since I want to write for a living. Excellent prospects, really.

Anyways, my plan as I previously mentioned is to post once a day, everyday for this upcoming week. Don’t I just spoil you readers with this promise of my insightful, amazing thoughts?? (ha!) Actually, my future posts are a far cry from my first one, they will center around the five books I challenged myself to finish reading by the time I depart for the dear Midwest next week. I’m pretty psyched actually; you probably shouldn’t be though… at the rate I’m blogging you’ll be able to read about my summer reading in November.

But that is all to come, for now I’ll just focus on this post (I just figured you wouldn’t mind hearing me admitting that I suck at being an avid blogger), which is (hopefully) the last one of its kind for at least a week. Not that I mind writing more personal updates, I just doubt they are truly fascinating enough for anyone to spend their time reading. However, I really need to get this one thing out of my heart and onto paper. It’s a mindset I defined at the end of this school year/mid summer. I think its always been a part of me, in fact I think I lived most of my life by it, just never fully realizing what I was doing until I really experienced it this year.

Freedom. It’s delicious and addictive and available in limitless quantities. Obviously we all make choice everyday, from the miniscule “What color eye shadow should I wear?” to the more major ones such as “ What school should I pick? What college should I spend four years at hoping to gain an education that is actually worth the loans I will be paying back for years to come?” And obviously no one can make these decisions for me. I’ve always made my own decisions, I don’t succumb to peer pressure and while I’m quite sensitive to other’s opinions of me, I always manage to listen and hear my own voice above that of others.

I’ve been steadfast in all my decisions because, for the most part, I’ve just been following my heart. Somehow during my first year of college a little bit of doubt, a pinch of criticism and a touch of negativity infected my mind and clouded my vision for a while, making me prone to second guess myself. I was in this rut and couldn’t figure out what was causing it (I was determined to get the hell out of it though). It took me some time to recognize that I was feeling a bit off because my mentality was a bit off. My “flying free” philosophy got a little lost in the jumble of chaotic freshmen year. I was giving too much thought and concern about other’s opinions of me. I spent most of the moments before drifting off to sleep freaking out about the uncertainty of my future and if I was ruining it all. The endless opportunities that were ahead of me stopped exciting me and started confusing and scaring me. There were simply too many options.

Somehow, someday, I just snapped the fuck out of it. There really is no better way to describe it (albeit a less crude one I’m sure). All of the worrying and negativity was draining me, and I knew it. I’m a happy, confident, self-assured individual and I don’t have room in my life for doubt, fear or criticism. Something seriously snapped. I got fed up with having other’s opinions influence my own, I got fed up with all of the constant worrying and I got extremely fed up with doubt. I think I was flying back home to beautiful Jersey when I remembered that this life is my life, and I’m the only one fit to run it. I can do as I please with it (though there will be consequences) and I am in complete control. People are going to judge me whether I please them or not. Their opinions of me are just that, opinions, not the truth. And their opinions are absolutely none of my business or concern. I felt like more people were judging my every action and decision instead of being interested in my life and my choices. Go ahead, judge and criticize, because I don’t really give a damn anymore. I’m free to live my life.

I think the whole ‘freedom’ concept gets lost under all the criticism and backlash that one can receive, and the intoxicating sense of being free slips away before most people can get a good grip on it. Being free, completely free, means to have the courage and ability to get what you desire out of life, just pick a goal and go get it without fear. Fear of: rejection, failure, other’s remarks, of mistakes, oneself. And it means to trust my intuition and not feel compelled to waste my time and energy convincing others that I'm not screwing up my life. They might not understand my every decision, but they don’t have to. And I don’t mind if they don’t, it matters not whether they approve or disprove.

One can be free from judgment and criticism when one realizes that it is your choice to care about other’s judgment and criticism. YOU are free to ignore it and not pay it any mind. In the end, you really determine the amount of negative feedback you get, because you can choose to simply leave it all behind as you stay true to yourself and live the life YOU want. As soon as I had this little epiphany on the plane, all my doubt vanished. I’m happy not only with where I am in life, where I want to be, and what I strive to be, but I’m happy with who I am at this very moment. And no one else has the ability to make me doubt that, I won’t let him or her. I’m free to listen and ignore.

I’ve always been this way, really. I’ve always thought and acted for myself mainly due the fact that I’ve been blessed with parents who always allowed me to just be myself. They let me develop into my own person, and they never forced their own thoughts or ideas down my throat. (Minus Bush’s speeches at which I was in a fit of laughter at his invention of words and lack of a brain, while my father kept pumping his fist and yelling ridiculous supportive phrases in response to Bush’s excuse of a State of the Union Address.) They let me think and act freely from the very beginning. I was always reminded to “Remember who I was,” and somehow that was all I ever needed. I was never stifled or spoiled. For the most part, they always treated me as the adult I was going to become. They let me learn my lessons the hard way and would mock and make fun of me when I didn’t get what I wanted. They let me stumble and fall, and allowed me the opportunity to pick myself up. They gave me the freedom to fail, and the freedom to learn. They didn’t cushion me; they let me take full responsibility for my actions. They of course, always supported and loved me, but they truly taught me that character matters more than reputation. And for that, I am extremely grateful.

I’m not sure how or why that strong mentality of mine slipped away from me, but I do know that I have it back and it sure as hell is never leaving me again.

I am so utterly done with worrying. It is such a waste of time and is an insult to my intelligence because I’m well aware that worrying is the most ineffective tool in the box, things that are actually worth worrying about will be the ones that blindside me. Somehow I’ll deal with them when they arise and live to tell the tale. I refuse to let other’s hold me back because I refuse to let their opinions effect me. Think what you want about me, that’s your freedom, but mine is to not give two flying shits what you think about me. I know whom I am and that really is all that matters. I’m eradicating the people in my life that spread their misery. Which sounds harsh but it is my life after all, and I don’t want to spend it in the company of those who can’t appreciate what they have instead of bitching about what they don’t). Insecure people, in my experience, are dangerous because they have this knack to put other’s down in order to feel better about themselves. They let jealousy and judgment consume them and quite honestly, I don’t want to associate with them and their trail of tears and misery. I don’t appreciate others trying who secretly find joy in my suffering. That is just plain mean and disgusting. Get a hobby.

I’m not sure I can ever really rid my self of doubt, that stuff is stubborn! I think it’s a part of life, it creeps in, but it can be silenced and counteracted with a smile and reassurance that if one is following their intuition they will end up where they intend and need to be. Most importantly I’m done being so hard on myself. I can’t blame others for trying to keep me grounded as much as I can myself. I am in complete control. I can choose to be happy. And I most certainly can choose to be free from negativity. I’m more to blame than anyone else because instead of just flying free I allowed myself to get too bogged down with worthless thoughts and feelings that were uncharacteristic of me. And they sucked too.

I’m flying free once again. And this time with more security and conviction than before. For once, I truly don’t care what other people think of me, I’m so over trying to fill this need to be accepted and loved by everyone. “ I want people to love me, but it isn’t going to hurt me if they don’t” (Thanks Drew!). I certainly cannot pinpoint my purpose in life, but I sure as hell can guarantee you that it is NOT to please other people by sacrificing my true self. I am who I am, and not everyone will like me. I’ve come to accept that, and it’s liberating. (Note the theme!) My job in life is not to make decisions that please others, but to make the ones that please myself. In fact, isn’t that everyone’s job? If everyone just lived their own lives, focused on their own goals and didn’t give a shit about what other’s thought, wouldn’t we live in a world full of more confident people? And wouldn't that confidence make us better people, who supported one another and could strive together? Just a thought...what do I know?

EXAMPLE TIME: I’ve been at college for a full year and still people are questioning my choice to go to Missouri. I would have absolutely no problem with people simply asking me “Why?” out of curiosity. Instead they discuss it behind my back and make up reasons, trying to I don’t know, psychoanalyze me? They never just ask. It made me realize that most people would rather spend their time gossiping, speculating about my choices and decisions instead of just finding out the truth. They don’t really want the truth, if they really wanted to know, they would just ask. They spend their time searching for some hidden answer, as if they know my deep dark desires more than I do. Nope, so sorry, you don’t. It used to irritate me to no end. And it wasn’t just complete strangers; it was usually random family members. My mother would say to me, “Oh so, so-and-so wants to know why you REALLY went out-of-state.” No she doesn’t, because if she did she would just ask. My mother and I get a kick out of this (I basically just laugh off everyone else’s opinions of me now). I would get SO upset by all of this. Why are people so immature? Why are grown people so immature? Why don’t they just ask? Why don’t they talk to me about this? And then I realized, “Why do I care?” If people are immature and want to talk shit then go ahead. It’s not my time wasted, it’s yours. Enjoy discussing your thoughts about why I went to Missouri while I’m actually there having a kick ass time. I honestly, genuinely, NO LONGER CARE! It’s an amazing feeling. And it feels so good. It isn’t always easy ignoring other’s hateful words or actions, but I can do it, I have the freedom to let my own ambitions triumph over other’s words.

So much lies ahead and all of it is unknown and unseen. I think about all that I accomplished this year, how much I’ve changed and how much more is left for me to experience in the next three years. And then I maximize that, I think about all that is left for me in my entire life. It seems so indefinite, so full of opportunity. It is probably the scariest and absolutely greatest feeling I’ve ever had. I don’t know where I’ll be in 10 years. And that just thrills me. I don’t know the person I’ll be, what job I’ll have, who I’ll be friends with, where I live or what I’ll be doing with my life. My life seems so full of possibility, I cannot even begin to fathom and predict anything about the coming five years of my life. And I’ve decided that in addition to being happy when I grow up, I always want this feeling. No matter my age, relationship status, employment status etc. I want to always feel as though the world is full of opportunity. That really shouldn’t be a problem since I’ll be flying, free of animosity and negativity, determined to live my life with courage and conviction.

Just let go. Let go of all that negativity, scorn and criticism (especially if you are self-inducing it.) Make a plan for what you want for YOU, and go about it making it happen. Do it with conviction and confidence. Truly disregard what other’s think about you, or rather disregard your need to know or care what other’s think about you. Be who you are and just shine. Stop worrying, it’s such a waste, and find excitement in the unknown instead of fear. Stick to your path, don’t compare yourself to others because “there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself and you will become either vain or bitter.” Live your life as you see fit, recognize that you are in complete control. And don’t let that overwhelm you. The thing about flying is, it’s a really fun ride, and as corny as this whole ridiculous post has been, I’m speaking from a personal experience and I can definitely tell you that because I’m flying I’m always positive. I smile a lot more and I feel in control and strong. Somehow I just don’t let things irritate me anymore, I’m too busy living my life without limits to care, I’m too busy flying free.

I completely understand how utterly corny and ridiculous this might all be sounding to you. And that's just fine, but I needed to share it all the same. It is how I am living my life, and of course you are free to disagree or ridicule but it is what is. If you actually read this monstrous novel then I hope you enjoyed, or are at least finding enjoyment in mocking me. Either way I hope you didn't completely waste your time.

"Paloma," by Carbon Leaf.

Chase the high ground - where you'd rather be

Where you might be found

Face all aglow, to leave from here

To pack up and go

But it takes some time to get away

And you will have to build from what remains

To run it takes the courage of a lamb

To love, the fierceness of a storm

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder

Everyone's staring , but no one is caring for you now

Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze

Just take the leap... and you're free

Chase the high ground - where you'd rather be

Where you might be found

This move may erase the troubles in your head

Or expose the absence of your soul

And so, it takes some time to get away

And you will have to tear down what remains

And I can't stand for goodbyes

So hold on to me, or lead the way

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder

Everyone's staring , but no one is caring for you now

Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze

Just take the leap... and you're free

Pace yourself when outrunning fear

Take cover when it's dark

And keep an even keel

In your world you're only a phone away

But in my world you're too far to feel

And it may take some time to learn what's real

And you may have to beg and borrow

And you will surely steal

Remember all those lonely sessions

Turned into yesterday's lessons

To never forget love, to never forget love

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder

Everyone's staring, but no one is caring for you now

Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze

Just take the leap... and you're free

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder

Everyone's staring but no one is caring for...

Paloma you cry out you beg for connection

The dreams you seek are straight ahead in every direction

Now you're free

Now that you're, you're free

Now that you're, you're free

You're free

Today I watched the greatest thing of all

A flock of birds, preparing for the fall.

"Your life is your responsibility. That is simultaneously a sobering obligation and a fantastic opportunity. Make the commitment, do the work, accept the responsibility that is necessary for that fulfillment. Live the outstanding life that is yours to experience. Allow you to be truly you. And let the power of love color your world."

"Some people will value what you say, what you do, what you seek, and other people won't. Keep reminding yourself that's their concern, not yours."

"Choose to do what you know is worthy and what you know is best. Let go of the useless and limiting fear of rejection, and feel the freedom to truly soar."