Every day of your life is a gift from God. 
Don't squander it.
Don't waste it by being angry with anyone.
Don't let it slip away by feeling sorry for yourself.
Be grateful for this precious gift of life and spend it by being as happy and as thankful as you possibly can.
Let your mind dwell on the good things which have happened to you.
Let gratitude be your attitude.
Think of your assets, and don't let anyone else spoil your day for you.
Enjoy every day of your life to the fullest.
Realize that you can add to the joy of each day by making someone else happy.

-Richard A. Carloy

"How could I question my life's greatest lesson, sure left an impression right from the start. The moment I lose you I'll find out what love is worth."

"Give your best to those who love you the most."

What a simple concept. Give your best to those who love you the most. 

Yet sometimes we take for granted those who love us. Their presence is so strong and constant that it almost becomes unnoticeable. And perhaps 'take for granted' is the wrong phrase. What I mean to say is, sometimes we forget just how loved we are, because we are looking in all the wrong places. 

This goes along with another blog post I read this week that really made an impact on me. We spend so much of our time looking at the negatives and focusing on the voids in our lives that we rarely take time to step back and be thankful for all that we do have. 

I think every human being has been guilty of this. And lately, I know I have been.

It isn't so much that I haven't been thankful or aware of the beautiful people in my life, I know I am blessed everyday, but I think I underestimate how much value they have in my life sometimes. 

I have been so focused on a lack of love from one source that I've let that outshine the abundance of love I actually do have in my life.

I always want things to be as perfect as they can be. I want every problem fixed and every loose end tied up in a cute bow. But life is screwy, and often messy, and things can often be left open ended. And this pisses me off. 

Especially when it comes to love.  I look at the one place or person who is denying me it and obsess over what I'm doing wrong, or how I can come to fix it. Because I'm convinced that until every little thing is my life is smoothed out, I couldn't possibly be happy.

Of course, this absolute shit and I'm ridiculous.

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be perfectly wonderful. And love is not about taking, but about giving.

I have so much love in my life its almost disgusting. But really, I do. I've been so busy looking at the one place where I don't have it, and I've lost sight of the fact I don't need to to be taking love from someone else when I have tons of beautiful people giving it to me. 

Go figure.

I've been racking my brain for the perfect analogy and unfortunately the only one I can come up with is this corny, awful one about a garden. But it works. And I feel like it sounds sexual, even though I don't intend it to be at all, but I feel like you might read it that way anyways... And if you weren't going to read it that way, I'm sure you will now that I've planted the idea in your mind. But honestly, this isn't sexual, just a horrific analogy. 

You spend all this time and energy planting seeds and tending a garden. And you pour your love and hard work into it. And then one day everything blooms and it feeds you for life. (The garden is magical. Naturally). And you know, it's freaking awesome. Because you have strawberries and eggplants and carrots and lettuce and tomatoes and life is just peachy (You have a plentiful peach tree too). But hold up (as Sandy Davidson would say). 

The damn squash didn't grow.

It just didn't. Without explanation. You didn't neglect it either, in fact, you gave more care and attention to it than anything else in the damn garden. And yet it still didn't grow. Despite your beautiful, magical garden, the lack of the squash is eating away at you. It isn't even that you like the squash that much, you're just so focused on why it wouldn't grow that you make it a bigger deal than it was ever worth in the first place.

And you spend all this time wondering what you did wrong, or what you could have done better, or how you can somehow fix it now. Why didn't it want to grow for you? Why weren't you good enough. And you're all depressed and pissed about the squash that you forget about the rest of your garden. Which is begging for you to eat it already. 

And you know, despite this GOD AWFUL analogy, I think we can all agree that it is understandable to be upset about the squash. 

Until you sit back and realize, well fuck the squash, because I have a whole garden. So, who cares?!

I have some of the most amazing people in my life. They understand that love is about giving and not taking. And they value me, because I value them. And some of them even love me at my absolute worst. 

It isn't a surprise to me that I love the friends and family in my life, at all. But it did hit me just how loved I am the other day. Which sounds really obnoxious and petty, I know, but it seemed to have gotten lost this semester. Because I was so busy staring at the empty, lifeless dirt where my squash was supposed to be that I forgot to look around at what my love HAD cultivated. 

My efforts and my love and myself are enough. More than enough. It was the squash that couldn't get it together. 

I cannot even begin to start talking about all of the amazing, fabulous people in my life. I just can't. Well I mean, I guess I could, but I'd rather just tell them personally, rather than refer to them as a turnip. 

In the blog I was reading the author references a quote. "The only people to get even with are those who have helped you."

Genius. 

So my resolution for my favorite month is to spend it getting even with those who have been (and have always been) there for me. Because they deserve my time and energy. They never let me down. They value the hard work I put into our friendships and they return the favor. They matter to me and I've done an awful job of appreciating them lately. 

And squash tastes like shit. 

So, who cares if it didn't want to show up to the party? It clearly didn't value me, but that doesn't mean I wasn't worth it. Love is about giving. And I gave it all I had. That still wasn't enough. But love isn't about taking. And if it wasn't going to show up, its because IT wasn't worth my love. That it no way means my life is any less beautiful, in fact, its been pretty damn lovely squash, let me tell you.

I don't even LIKE squash. I was caring too much about the wrong thing. And I was only caring because it was the only thing missing. But love is about giving. And the people who really matter to me are always giving, and always loving me, and never making me question why. So really, there is nothing missing at all, except squash's attempt at love which was only one of taking and not giving. And that's its problem. 

What I'm trying to say is this: I'm spoiled. Because Love, Actually, is all around. And my God, I have a lot of it. 

I have beautiful sorority sisters who not only love me, but inspire me. I have the most 5c best friend in existence. I have a sorority daughter who is wise enough to be my mother. And a sorority mother who is just fabulous. And a real mother who, you know, birthed me, so there's that. Oh, and who reminds me of what is actually important in life. And a dad who does the same. And two unexpected friends who look up to me. And someone who has loved me most when I deserved it least-you know who you are.

And so, so, so many more. 

I'm going to give my best to those who love me the most, because it's about damn time. 

* Also, if you are a beloved person in my life, PLEASE promise to still love me after this ridiculous, cringeworthy, and utterly embarrassing post that refers to you as produce. I apologize, and promise to refrain from EVER using such a horrendous analogy again. 

"Never say anything about yourself you do not want to come true."

Absent

Oh, hello.




It's been awhile, hasn't it?
So, what have I been up to?

Well, currently I'm growing through my junior year crisis.
It has not been a particularly enjoyable experience, in case you were wondering.

Technically, everything is fine. More than fine, peachy, really. Everyday life is still fun and bright, for the most part. It's like a great manicure. My nails are freshly painted and polished. I appear to have my shit together. Yet, there is all of this crap underlying my seemingly perfect appearance. Tons of dirt stuck under the nails. This may not be visible to anyone but myself, but knowing that its there is a constant reminder of all that I still have left to figure out.

I'm facing something I've never faced before: Not knowing what I want.

I've always known what I've wanted. I've always had a gut reaction, relied on my intuition and acted on impulse on far too many occasions.

This year, that gut reaction, that burst of passion, that internal compass decided to just up and leave me.

Jerk.

 I guess it got tired of working so hard the past twenty years, and decided to take a vacation. I wouldn't know though, it's not as though we're on speaking terms with each other. Maybe its still there, and it just hasn't found something worth reacting to. Or maybe it is just confused and overwhelmed.  Maybe it finds humor in me flailing around in my life like a confused bird. I, for one, am not amused.

If you're wondering what this crazy girl is babbling about, bear with me.

In my mere twenty years of existence, I have made choices and decisions based on my intuition. ALWAYS. I'll pretend to be a really rational human being, though. I'll weigh all my options, I'll make pro/con lists, I'll discuss with people older than me, you know, the supposed "wise" ones. And then I'll throw all my rationale out the window. I'll go with a feeling. When it came to making a decision on where to attend college, I had a dream school. I got in. Early. It had 27052849 pros, and maybe 2 cons.

I still have the napkin from an orientation I went to there.

Yeah.

On paper, it looked freaking fantastic. But something felt off. I LOVED the WAY that school looked on paper, but I'm not sure I ever really loved IT. It felt safe and predictable; exactly where I should end up.  You know what school didn't? The one in the middle of MISSOURI. I don't even think I bothered making a pro/con list for it. The cons outweighed the pros before I even wrote one out, or you know, visited.

I visited. I didn't need a damn list. I just KNEW. All of those months of deliberating, and I just knew. And as crazy as the decision was, it just felt right. It felt like the right choice. Because suddenly, I knew what I wanted.

When I know what I want, I can make a plan and execute it. I can direct my passion and set my sights on what I really want. And, usually, I get it. Sometimes I didn't. That's life. And that can be chalked up to a myriad of things, but for the most part I think that always boiled down to the fact that I didn't think I was good enough. I was lacking some sort of qualification or confidence, and I let that eat away at me. I got in the way of my own path.

I've learned that mentality is utter bullshit.

Flash forward two years. I no longer doubt my abilities. I gained more confidence. I feel qualified for anything I am going after. And if I don't feel completely qualified, I fake it, because chances are I am qualified, I just don't realize it quite yet. I guess this came from not thinking I was good enough. So I would watch someone else that I deemed "better' than myself take on a position. Only to realize that I very easily could have done a better job.

ANYWAYS. In a nutshell: I used to not think I could have/get anything I wanted, but I was always able to identify what it was that I wanted. And that was comforting. I always had a plan, a direction, a passion. Then, I gained confidence and recognized I'm capable and qualified for just about anything I really want. The issue? Well now that I have EVERY door open, now that I'm a 20 year-old in college with her entire life in front of her, now that I could literally pursue ANYTHING, I no longer have ANY IDEA WHAT I WANT.

So, that's just fabulous.

I have all of these choices in front of me. And they are all wonderful opportunities. But choosing just one requires me to give up the rest of them. Which is understandable. Picking one means passing on the rest. It sucks to think about what you have to to give up to go after what you really want, but that's life. OH WAIT. I don't know what I want. Thus my crisis and rambling, obnoxious blog post.

For example. Let's say I have all of these great choices, but I want to study abroad. Yet, studying abroad requires me to give up three other things. Well, bummer. BUT if studying abroad is what I REALLY want, then I'll do it without hesitation. That intuition will kick in and I'll KNOW I'm making the right choice.

Problem is, I don't know what I want anymore (have I mentioned this yet?).

So I'm faced with making decisions without my gut reaction. Nothing is tugging at my heart strings. Every option is on the same level. Nothing really excites me.

Am I qualified for it all? Absolutely? Would I like any of my options? Of course. Do I know which one I WANT? Nope.


So boo-hoo for me, right?

I understand that I am putting a lot of pressure on myself. I understand that most people do not know what they want to do with the rest of their lives. And I am learning that the best choice I can make is going to be whichever one I end up choosing.

Do I want to be studying journalism? Yes. But do I want to be a journalist. Mm, debatable.

I do not mind being pulled off of my path, but I need to be following something. And without a burning passion or gut feeling, how am I supposed to know what the right choice is?

I understand this probably sounds very trite and full of complaints for those reading this, but I'm not going to hide that I'm scared of opportunity. I'm frightened by the immense amount of options. I don't know how to navigate so many potential futures without my internal compass.

But my compass took a hiatus. And I don't know how to make it come back.


I'm starting to wonder if it disappeared because my not knowing what I want is stemming from the fact that I might not really know who I am anymore. Which is normal, and  change is good.

And absolutely frightening.

I just have to make a choice. I just have to choose one door above the rest and see what it brings me. Maybe my intuition is behind a door, waiting for me to come and find it.

Or maybe I'm just a stressed out, sleep-deprived, journalism student.

Be invulnerable.