Magic

 

 Strange. 

In re-reading old posts, I found I knew exactly how I felt, but was just scared to share it with the world.

And now, 10 years later the complete inverse is true. I don't care what people think - I feel like that's the best thing about aging and growing - but I'm realizing that I'm not even sure how I feel most days. 

Or rather, maybe I do, but it's such a jumbled mess of emotions and antics and mundane routine and stress, that I'm not even sure there is a coherent thought in there worth sharing. Too much and too little all at once.

There is the fog of the external world, but really do I want to begin there? The world is dark. Maybe leaving it at that is the kindest way to describe that. Should I go into doomsday content about the stripping of voting rights, climate change, anti-vaxxers, Afghanistan, social media hijacking our souls? Or can I skip that bit for now?

And I don't want to share my "lifestyle," or my outfit inspiration, or how I make smoothies in the morning. I want to find something worth sharing. And maybe that is just raw emotion. Untethered. But can I access that?

Can I figure out how to express that, harness it, and make sense of it here? I have been doing so much work on myself lately, maybe that's worth sharing? What I have discovered by turning inwards? But, for all that work and breakthroughs, I sometimes think: "No, fuck it. The real problem/answer is simply that "I don't want a career. I want to sit on a porch." 

I feel like we're all living in this altered state of reality. Sometimes I have to remind myself how hard this all is, and that even on a "good" day this is fucked up and traumatic. As someone smart said: "you can't process trauma while you are in it." Will we ever get out of it? 

What happens when the pandemic "teaches" you (I always knew) that slowing down is luxurious. That life is more than work. That commutes suck. That your dream to buy a cabin in the woods where all you hear are birds & crickets is genius and maybe, now possible? BUT the world around you is trying to rebound to what it once was? How do you create the life and speed you desire, without going bankrupt, or having others refuse to acknowledge that WFH should just be the standard. How do you build an unbreakable inner peace that is forever rejecting the rigid ways of the world and following a blissed journey instead? How do you rebel with grace, conviction and success?

It's messy. 

More thoughts next time. They will be more coherent, I think.

- A

"Come along with me to my little corner of the world. Dream a little dream in my little corner of the world"

I'm glad I found you again. 

I've been finding myself craving things from the past - when it all seemed much simpler. When a blog was just a blog and not connected to likes or infinite scrolling feeds or ads. When I didn't try to game an algorithm or give a shit. When I wasn't worried about personal branding or appearing any which way. When the point really was just the writing, or rather, the feelings behind the words. 

It reminds me of the Amy Poehler quote that has, quite frankly, haunted me since I read it in her autobiography at least 5 years ago: 

"The talking about the thing isn't the thing. The doing of the thing is the thing."

During the pandemic (ongoing) I've really worked to figure out why I stopped doing the things I used to, or where all my time is going. I think like most, I have spent some time turning inwards and wondering how I got here -- not necessarily in the middle of a pandemic and potential apocalypse -- but 30 years into my life without a healthy hobby or way to escape the stress of said potential apocalypse around me that is just for me. I guess we would call it an outlet. And I remembered that I had you. And you were never much - except cringe-y from time to time - but still, you existed before things even got that heavy. And you never served to make me seem cool or perfect or build some branded business or aspirational lifestyle. 

I've been toying with the idea of writing again for the past year. Maybe a newsletter, a cool-girl niche blog, a new website. And then I just get filled with an overwhelming amount of decisions to make. Because all of that is, really the talking about the thing isn't it? When really all I wanted and likely need to do is write again. And I thought about how this little blogspot likely disappeared into the ethers of the internet, but what if I could find it? There is enough of it already created that if I miraculously found it and broke back into my account, the only decision I would need to make is the one to click "new post." 

It's not completely without roots. There are fragments of me already here. They're not as embarrassing as I thought they might be, and if they don't mind the company, I'd like to add more of me here again. Ten years ago "me" likely would not mind. She would probably wonder where I went for all that time and, more importantly, why I left. I think I would tell her: "I'm not quite sure, but I have a feeling that if I spend some time here, I might start to piece it together. I might come up with an answer."

A part of me loves that no one will likely find this. And a part of me wonders if someone will. Either way, I'm not upset if anyone else is out there. You are welcome to join me, but please know the cringe-factor is already running shotgun on this journey, so will need to accept that and climb in the backseat with a bag of chips for the road.

The world feels so very fragile right now. Everything is fine but it feels like it is perpetually teetering towards disaster. And we must learn to live like that. Though, I suppose we always have been. I think I'll learn to weave and bob -- to dance again through the uncertainty -- if I find a little place, a little corner of this world (both real and on the internet) to simply be. Less striving. Less planning. Less creating, even. 

 More being. 

-A

"If you do follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be. If you follow your bliss, doors will open for you that wouldn't have opened for anyone else."

"Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible."

Every day of your life is a gift from God. 
Don't squander it.
Don't waste it by being angry with anyone.
Don't let it slip away by feeling sorry for yourself.
Be grateful for this precious gift of life and spend it by being as happy and as thankful as you possibly can.
Let your mind dwell on the good things which have happened to you.
Let gratitude be your attitude.
Think of your assets, and don't let anyone else spoil your day for you.
Enjoy every day of your life to the fullest.
Realize that you can add to the joy of each day by making someone else happy.

-Richard A. Carloy

"How could I question my life's greatest lesson, sure left an impression right from the start. The moment I lose you I'll find out what love is worth."

"Give your best to those who love you the most."

What a simple concept. Give your best to those who love you the most. 

Yet sometimes we take for granted those who love us. Their presence is so strong and constant that it almost becomes unnoticeable. And perhaps 'take for granted' is the wrong phrase. What I mean to say is, sometimes we forget just how loved we are, because we are looking in all the wrong places. 

This goes along with another blog post I read this week that really made an impact on me. We spend so much of our time looking at the negatives and focusing on the voids in our lives that we rarely take time to step back and be thankful for all that we do have. 

I think every human being has been guilty of this. And lately, I know I have been.

It isn't so much that I haven't been thankful or aware of the beautiful people in my life, I know I am blessed everyday, but I think I underestimate how much value they have in my life sometimes. 

I have been so focused on a lack of love from one source that I've let that outshine the abundance of love I actually do have in my life.

I always want things to be as perfect as they can be. I want every problem fixed and every loose end tied up in a cute bow. But life is screwy, and often messy, and things can often be left open ended. And this pisses me off. 

Especially when it comes to love.  I look at the one place or person who is denying me it and obsess over what I'm doing wrong, or how I can come to fix it. Because I'm convinced that until every little thing is my life is smoothed out, I couldn't possibly be happy.

Of course, this absolute shit and I'm ridiculous.

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be perfectly wonderful. And love is not about taking, but about giving.

I have so much love in my life its almost disgusting. But really, I do. I've been so busy looking at the one place where I don't have it, and I've lost sight of the fact I don't need to to be taking love from someone else when I have tons of beautiful people giving it to me. 

Go figure.

I've been racking my brain for the perfect analogy and unfortunately the only one I can come up with is this corny, awful one about a garden. But it works. And I feel like it sounds sexual, even though I don't intend it to be at all, but I feel like you might read it that way anyways... And if you weren't going to read it that way, I'm sure you will now that I've planted the idea in your mind. But honestly, this isn't sexual, just a horrific analogy. 

You spend all this time and energy planting seeds and tending a garden. And you pour your love and hard work into it. And then one day everything blooms and it feeds you for life. (The garden is magical. Naturally). And you know, it's freaking awesome. Because you have strawberries and eggplants and carrots and lettuce and tomatoes and life is just peachy (You have a plentiful peach tree too). But hold up (as Sandy Davidson would say). 

The damn squash didn't grow.

It just didn't. Without explanation. You didn't neglect it either, in fact, you gave more care and attention to it than anything else in the damn garden. And yet it still didn't grow. Despite your beautiful, magical garden, the lack of the squash is eating away at you. It isn't even that you like the squash that much, you're just so focused on why it wouldn't grow that you make it a bigger deal than it was ever worth in the first place.

And you spend all this time wondering what you did wrong, or what you could have done better, or how you can somehow fix it now. Why didn't it want to grow for you? Why weren't you good enough. And you're all depressed and pissed about the squash that you forget about the rest of your garden. Which is begging for you to eat it already. 

And you know, despite this GOD AWFUL analogy, I think we can all agree that it is understandable to be upset about the squash. 

Until you sit back and realize, well fuck the squash, because I have a whole garden. So, who cares?!

I have some of the most amazing people in my life. They understand that love is about giving and not taking. And they value me, because I value them. And some of them even love me at my absolute worst. 

It isn't a surprise to me that I love the friends and family in my life, at all. But it did hit me just how loved I am the other day. Which sounds really obnoxious and petty, I know, but it seemed to have gotten lost this semester. Because I was so busy staring at the empty, lifeless dirt where my squash was supposed to be that I forgot to look around at what my love HAD cultivated. 

My efforts and my love and myself are enough. More than enough. It was the squash that couldn't get it together. 

I cannot even begin to start talking about all of the amazing, fabulous people in my life. I just can't. Well I mean, I guess I could, but I'd rather just tell them personally, rather than refer to them as a turnip. 

In the blog I was reading the author references a quote. "The only people to get even with are those who have helped you."

Genius. 

So my resolution for my favorite month is to spend it getting even with those who have been (and have always been) there for me. Because they deserve my time and energy. They never let me down. They value the hard work I put into our friendships and they return the favor. They matter to me and I've done an awful job of appreciating them lately. 

And squash tastes like shit. 

So, who cares if it didn't want to show up to the party? It clearly didn't value me, but that doesn't mean I wasn't worth it. Love is about giving. And I gave it all I had. That still wasn't enough. But love isn't about taking. And if it wasn't going to show up, its because IT wasn't worth my love. That it no way means my life is any less beautiful, in fact, its been pretty damn lovely squash, let me tell you.

I don't even LIKE squash. I was caring too much about the wrong thing. And I was only caring because it was the only thing missing. But love is about giving. And the people who really matter to me are always giving, and always loving me, and never making me question why. So really, there is nothing missing at all, except squash's attempt at love which was only one of taking and not giving. And that's its problem. 

What I'm trying to say is this: I'm spoiled. Because Love, Actually, is all around. And my God, I have a lot of it. 

I have beautiful sorority sisters who not only love me, but inspire me. I have the most 5c best friend in existence. I have a sorority daughter who is wise enough to be my mother. And a sorority mother who is just fabulous. And a real mother who, you know, birthed me, so there's that. Oh, and who reminds me of what is actually important in life. And a dad who does the same. And two unexpected friends who look up to me. And someone who has loved me most when I deserved it least-you know who you are.

And so, so, so many more. 

I'm going to give my best to those who love me the most, because it's about damn time. 

* Also, if you are a beloved person in my life, PLEASE promise to still love me after this ridiculous, cringeworthy, and utterly embarrassing post that refers to you as produce. I apologize, and promise to refrain from EVER using such a horrendous analogy again. 

"Never say anything about yourself you do not want to come true."

Absent

Oh, hello.




It's been awhile, hasn't it?
So, what have I been up to?

Well, currently I'm growing through my junior year crisis.
It has not been a particularly enjoyable experience, in case you were wondering.

Technically, everything is fine. More than fine, peachy, really. Everyday life is still fun and bright, for the most part. It's like a great manicure. My nails are freshly painted and polished. I appear to have my shit together. Yet, there is all of this crap underlying my seemingly perfect appearance. Tons of dirt stuck under the nails. This may not be visible to anyone but myself, but knowing that its there is a constant reminder of all that I still have left to figure out.

I'm facing something I've never faced before: Not knowing what I want.

I've always known what I've wanted. I've always had a gut reaction, relied on my intuition and acted on impulse on far too many occasions.

This year, that gut reaction, that burst of passion, that internal compass decided to just up and leave me.

Jerk.

 I guess it got tired of working so hard the past twenty years, and decided to take a vacation. I wouldn't know though, it's not as though we're on speaking terms with each other. Maybe its still there, and it just hasn't found something worth reacting to. Or maybe it is just confused and overwhelmed.  Maybe it finds humor in me flailing around in my life like a confused bird. I, for one, am not amused.

If you're wondering what this crazy girl is babbling about, bear with me.

In my mere twenty years of existence, I have made choices and decisions based on my intuition. ALWAYS. I'll pretend to be a really rational human being, though. I'll weigh all my options, I'll make pro/con lists, I'll discuss with people older than me, you know, the supposed "wise" ones. And then I'll throw all my rationale out the window. I'll go with a feeling. When it came to making a decision on where to attend college, I had a dream school. I got in. Early. It had 27052849 pros, and maybe 2 cons.

I still have the napkin from an orientation I went to there.

Yeah.

On paper, it looked freaking fantastic. But something felt off. I LOVED the WAY that school looked on paper, but I'm not sure I ever really loved IT. It felt safe and predictable; exactly where I should end up.  You know what school didn't? The one in the middle of MISSOURI. I don't even think I bothered making a pro/con list for it. The cons outweighed the pros before I even wrote one out, or you know, visited.

I visited. I didn't need a damn list. I just KNEW. All of those months of deliberating, and I just knew. And as crazy as the decision was, it just felt right. It felt like the right choice. Because suddenly, I knew what I wanted.

When I know what I want, I can make a plan and execute it. I can direct my passion and set my sights on what I really want. And, usually, I get it. Sometimes I didn't. That's life. And that can be chalked up to a myriad of things, but for the most part I think that always boiled down to the fact that I didn't think I was good enough. I was lacking some sort of qualification or confidence, and I let that eat away at me. I got in the way of my own path.

I've learned that mentality is utter bullshit.

Flash forward two years. I no longer doubt my abilities. I gained more confidence. I feel qualified for anything I am going after. And if I don't feel completely qualified, I fake it, because chances are I am qualified, I just don't realize it quite yet. I guess this came from not thinking I was good enough. So I would watch someone else that I deemed "better' than myself take on a position. Only to realize that I very easily could have done a better job.

ANYWAYS. In a nutshell: I used to not think I could have/get anything I wanted, but I was always able to identify what it was that I wanted. And that was comforting. I always had a plan, a direction, a passion. Then, I gained confidence and recognized I'm capable and qualified for just about anything I really want. The issue? Well now that I have EVERY door open, now that I'm a 20 year-old in college with her entire life in front of her, now that I could literally pursue ANYTHING, I no longer have ANY IDEA WHAT I WANT.

So, that's just fabulous.

I have all of these choices in front of me. And they are all wonderful opportunities. But choosing just one requires me to give up the rest of them. Which is understandable. Picking one means passing on the rest. It sucks to think about what you have to to give up to go after what you really want, but that's life. OH WAIT. I don't know what I want. Thus my crisis and rambling, obnoxious blog post.

For example. Let's say I have all of these great choices, but I want to study abroad. Yet, studying abroad requires me to give up three other things. Well, bummer. BUT if studying abroad is what I REALLY want, then I'll do it without hesitation. That intuition will kick in and I'll KNOW I'm making the right choice.

Problem is, I don't know what I want anymore (have I mentioned this yet?).

So I'm faced with making decisions without my gut reaction. Nothing is tugging at my heart strings. Every option is on the same level. Nothing really excites me.

Am I qualified for it all? Absolutely? Would I like any of my options? Of course. Do I know which one I WANT? Nope.


So boo-hoo for me, right?

I understand that I am putting a lot of pressure on myself. I understand that most people do not know what they want to do with the rest of their lives. And I am learning that the best choice I can make is going to be whichever one I end up choosing.

Do I want to be studying journalism? Yes. But do I want to be a journalist. Mm, debatable.

I do not mind being pulled off of my path, but I need to be following something. And without a burning passion or gut feeling, how am I supposed to know what the right choice is?

I understand this probably sounds very trite and full of complaints for those reading this, but I'm not going to hide that I'm scared of opportunity. I'm frightened by the immense amount of options. I don't know how to navigate so many potential futures without my internal compass.

But my compass took a hiatus. And I don't know how to make it come back.


I'm starting to wonder if it disappeared because my not knowing what I want is stemming from the fact that I might not really know who I am anymore. Which is normal, and  change is good.

And absolutely frightening.

I just have to make a choice. I just have to choose one door above the rest and see what it brings me. Maybe my intuition is behind a door, waiting for me to come and find it.

Or maybe I'm just a stressed out, sleep-deprived, journalism student.

Be invulnerable.

"Just because you're on the Seekers path doesn't mean you should take life so seriously. In fact, the more rooted in Spirit you are, the more fun life becomes! Don't get caught in dogma or beliefs that say one way is the only way. The only way is your happiness. The whole point of being on your path is to enjoy your life. Enlighten up and take a chance, let go, say what's on your mind and shake things up. It's okay to ruffle some feathers, and if you get a negative reaction out of someone it's only exposing their own opportunities to grow. Get messy for a change."
      

"Indeed our hearts are golden treasures, but a true tragedy would be to conceal your inner gold because you are afraid of someone stealing it or it falling and breaking. There is no love in fear. The great wisdom of the ages always tells us the more you are Love the more of it you receive. Love is not a giving or a taking, it is a state of being - a one way street of allowing, accepting and holding a space for all things to be exactly as they are.

 

Fear not that your heart will be broken or stolen. Love becomes loves. Give it away with no expectation of return and soon you will be having a love affair with the whole world!"

“Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: “I’m with you kid. Let’s go.”

“Life they say can turn on a dime. In a world that constantly shifts beneath our feet, the only thing we know for certain is how we feel. The love we have, the fear we hide from, the pain we push away…give them a voice and the rewards are peace of mind and a peaceful heart.”

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another.”

"IT WASN’T ONLY WICKEDNESS AND SCHEMING THAT MADE PEOPLE UNHAPPY, IT WAS CONFUSION AND MISUNDERSTANDING; ABOVE ALL, IT WAS THE FAILURE TO GRASP THE SIMPLE TRUTH THAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE AS REAL AS YOU."

     -IAN MCEWAN

"Don't take anything personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves."