Magic

 

 Strange. 

In re-reading old posts, I found I knew exactly how I felt, but was just scared to share it with the world.

And now, 10 years later the complete inverse is true. I don't care what people think - I feel like that's the best thing about aging and growing - but I'm realizing that I'm not even sure how I feel most days. 

Or rather, maybe I do, but it's such a jumbled mess of emotions and antics and mundane routine and stress, that I'm not even sure there is a coherent thought in there worth sharing. Too much and too little all at once.

There is the fog of the external world, but really do I want to begin there? The world is dark. Maybe leaving it at that is the kindest way to describe that. Should I go into doomsday content about the stripping of voting rights, climate change, anti-vaxxers, Afghanistan, social media hijacking our souls? Or can I skip that bit for now?

And I don't want to share my "lifestyle," or my outfit inspiration, or how I make smoothies in the morning. I want to find something worth sharing. And maybe that is just raw emotion. Untethered. But can I access that?

Can I figure out how to express that, harness it, and make sense of it here? I have been doing so much work on myself lately, maybe that's worth sharing? What I have discovered by turning inwards? But, for all that work and breakthroughs, I sometimes think: "No, fuck it. The real problem/answer is simply that "I don't want a career. I want to sit on a porch." 

I feel like we're all living in this altered state of reality. Sometimes I have to remind myself how hard this all is, and that even on a "good" day this is fucked up and traumatic. As someone smart said: "you can't process trauma while you are in it." Will we ever get out of it? 

What happens when the pandemic "teaches" you (I always knew) that slowing down is luxurious. That life is more than work. That commutes suck. That your dream to buy a cabin in the woods where all you hear are birds & crickets is genius and maybe, now possible? BUT the world around you is trying to rebound to what it once was? How do you create the life and speed you desire, without going bankrupt, or having others refuse to acknowledge that WFH should just be the standard. How do you build an unbreakable inner peace that is forever rejecting the rigid ways of the world and following a blissed journey instead? How do you rebel with grace, conviction and success?

It's messy. 

More thoughts next time. They will be more coherent, I think.

- A

"Come along with me to my little corner of the world. Dream a little dream in my little corner of the world"

I'm glad I found you again. 

I've been finding myself craving things from the past - when it all seemed much simpler. When a blog was just a blog and not connected to likes or infinite scrolling feeds or ads. When I didn't try to game an algorithm or give a shit. When I wasn't worried about personal branding or appearing any which way. When the point really was just the writing, or rather, the feelings behind the words. 

It reminds me of the Amy Poehler quote that has, quite frankly, haunted me since I read it in her autobiography at least 5 years ago: 

"The talking about the thing isn't the thing. The doing of the thing is the thing."

During the pandemic (ongoing) I've really worked to figure out why I stopped doing the things I used to, or where all my time is going. I think like most, I have spent some time turning inwards and wondering how I got here -- not necessarily in the middle of a pandemic and potential apocalypse -- but 30 years into my life without a healthy hobby or way to escape the stress of said potential apocalypse around me that is just for me. I guess we would call it an outlet. And I remembered that I had you. And you were never much - except cringe-y from time to time - but still, you existed before things even got that heavy. And you never served to make me seem cool or perfect or build some branded business or aspirational lifestyle. 

I've been toying with the idea of writing again for the past year. Maybe a newsletter, a cool-girl niche blog, a new website. And then I just get filled with an overwhelming amount of decisions to make. Because all of that is, really the talking about the thing isn't it? When really all I wanted and likely need to do is write again. And I thought about how this little blogspot likely disappeared into the ethers of the internet, but what if I could find it? There is enough of it already created that if I miraculously found it and broke back into my account, the only decision I would need to make is the one to click "new post." 

It's not completely without roots. There are fragments of me already here. They're not as embarrassing as I thought they might be, and if they don't mind the company, I'd like to add more of me here again. Ten years ago "me" likely would not mind. She would probably wonder where I went for all that time and, more importantly, why I left. I think I would tell her: "I'm not quite sure, but I have a feeling that if I spend some time here, I might start to piece it together. I might come up with an answer."

A part of me loves that no one will likely find this. And a part of me wonders if someone will. Either way, I'm not upset if anyone else is out there. You are welcome to join me, but please know the cringe-factor is already running shotgun on this journey, so will need to accept that and climb in the backseat with a bag of chips for the road.

The world feels so very fragile right now. Everything is fine but it feels like it is perpetually teetering towards disaster. And we must learn to live like that. Though, I suppose we always have been. I think I'll learn to weave and bob -- to dance again through the uncertainty -- if I find a little place, a little corner of this world (both real and on the internet) to simply be. Less striving. Less planning. Less creating, even. 

 More being. 

-A

"If you do follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be. If you follow your bliss, doors will open for you that wouldn't have opened for anyone else."

"Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible."